Illustrations by Spencer Olson

Carma Sutra: An Illustrated Guide to Vehicular Coitus

Sex in any car is possible. Just assume the position

Sex in cars is a lost art form—a vintage pastime that’s been relegated to 1950s nostalgia and the occasional unhinged modern couple who gets caught. But when utilized appropriately, cars can serve as a perfect bed on wheels. That said, not every vehicle is perfect for every sex act pulled from the original Kama Sutra manual. Thus, we present to you: Carma Sutra, updated for every vehicle in the garage.

1979 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am

There might not be a more suggestive car than the Firebird. Have your partner sit on the edge of the hood and lie back. Lift their legs into the air, spread them apart and begin to slowly have sex. Have your most voyeuristic and highly observant friend slip into the driver’s seat and start the car while you’re mid-coitus. Start to fuck faster while your friend revs the engine; when your partner is about to have an orgasm, grab onto them tightly and wrap their legs around your waist. As they’re orgasming, signal to your friend to throw the Firebird into reverse and have them peel out aggressively while you hold onto your partner, letting their orgasm take flight!

Cadillac Escalade

An Escalade is the perfect setting for a little BDSM action. Adjust the backseat so that it lies flat and there’s room to spread out. Tie up your sub (or allow yourself to be tied up), attaching ropes to various points in the car’s interior so that the submissive partner is fully spread out. Just remember to establish a safe word ahead of time.

Fiat 500

Since this car is about 6 cubic feet, active sex isn’t an option, but floating (i.e., insertion minus any engaged movement) definitely is! Park somewhere scenic, like a beautiful vista overlooking the Grand Canyon or the incoming flight area at your local airport. Get naked and sit in the middle of the backseat with your legs draped over the center console. Have your partner climb in and mount you, facing the windshield. Take deep, tantric breaths while enjoying the static feeling of being inside another human being while the sun sets or the planes land. The still sex and compact nature of the Fiat juxtaposed against the vastness of the world is sure to encourage feelings of closeness, intimacy and wonder between you and your partner.

Tesla Model S

Get comfortable in the front seats with your partner and fully recline until you’re both lying back horizontally. Hack into the 17-inch display system in the front dash and program it to play your porn of choice while you and your partner touch yourselves and each other.

Hoverboard

Hoverboards mark a new wave of personal transportation. So it’s of the utmost importance to know how to properly use them for sexual purposes. Lube up your entire body, and have your partner do the same. Stand naked on separate hoverboards that are at least 6 feet apart and start touching yourselves while also encircling each other. Every so often, hover up to each other; lick and touch each other and then hover away! When you’re both so aroused you can’t take it anymore, hoverboard toward each other until your genitals come into contact. For a full-core exercise you can remain on your hoverboards while having sex or attempt the ultimate balancing act by sharing a hoverboard while you have sex.

Chrysler Town & Country

Most people look at a Town & Country and see a vanilla, family-friendly vehicle. That would be shortsighted. If used correctly, it can be the ultimate voyeur fantasy! Park the minivan in your driveway and invite a swinging couple from your neighborhood over to join you and your partner in a backseat foursome. Spice things up even further by randomly opening and closing the automatic, sliding doors of the vehicle for a salacious neighborhood peep show!

Lara Marie Schoenhals is a contributor at MEL and an armchair astrologist. You can find more semi-serious sex tips from her here.

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