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A Mushroom Cock Can Be, Um, Hard to Keep Hard

All penises might be mushroom-shaped, but that doesn’t mean all mushroom-shaped heads are as unusually big as President Trump’s. That’s the word Stormy Daniels used to describe Trump’s dong, which she likened to Mario Kart’s Toad for its abnormally large mushroom head (the rest is, she said, rather small).

As we already explained, the general mushroom penis shape of all human phalluses confers one major design advantage — the plunger shape propels another man’s load out, while clearing the path to get your load as deep in there as possible. It also, though, suffers from one major design flaw: It’s top-heavy.

That’s according to erectile dysfunction expert Darren Breen, who sees 400 to 600 penises monthly to help outfit them with vacuum devices to keep up erections. By his accounting, there are seven different penis shapes, and of those, it’s the hammer dick, which he also calls a mushroom, that has the most trouble standing all the way at attention. “This is a narrow base widening to a very wide glans — gravity makes it more difficult for this type of erect penis to lift skyward on erection,” Breen told The Daily Mail last month. “Looks a little like a mushroom with a narrow base stalk. The glans is unusually wide.”

But that doesn’t mean all unusually large mushroom head penises are droopers. Breen is seeing only the 400 to 600 penis shapes that come to him for vacuum assistance, so having a mushroom head penis isn’t an automatic flop, just the ones already having erection issues. Besides, it can’t only be gravity causing the issue — if it were, it’d be a cinch to get a massive boner in gravity-free space. (It’s not.)

Either way, if keeping it up were Trump’s problem specifically, it’d only be one more comical turn in this mushrooming story, and the presidency — one that possibly offers a little foreshadowing. Some heads are bigger than others. And as we all know, the bigger the head, the harder it falls.