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Yes, We Should Be Medicating Sports Fans

A petition to prescribe weed to Bengals and Browns fans isn't as silly as it sounds

With its neighbors trending toward the legalization of cannabis for recreational use, Ohio is poised to follow a similar path. At the moment, however, you need a medical justification for buying pot in the Buckeye State — and that’s why some long-suffering, 420-friendly football viewers there are petitioning to include fandom of the Cincinnati Bengals or Cleveland Browns as a qualifying condition. With the performance of both teams being consistently dismal, a weed high is apparently the only thing that can make their season endurable. Makes sense to me!

The request is already being brushed off as a joke/prank, and the medical board is exceedingly unlikely to lend it validity along with the usual reasons for a weed prescription (anxiety, insomnia, chronic pain, etc.). Come to think of it, though, shouldn’t most sports fans be treated for their mania? I’m not saying give them enough tranquilizers that they can’t stand up from their seats and cheer, but I think we can all agree that soccer riots are a bit much. In American stadiums, the only real option for chemical adjustment is alcohol, and we know that isn’t helping much. Best-case scenario, you drink enough to pass out and miss the last few bungled plays.

Cannabis would absolutely chill out the bros who want to beef with anyone at the tailgate wearing the rival team’s colors. You can enjoy some healthy competition without being super-aggro, my man! Pot vibes help you remember that a good time with your friends is preferable to a nasty one with strangers. And hey, if this worked, we could give weed cards to anyone who identifies as a diehard stan of… anything. Marvel, K-pop, Harry Potter, Star Wars, whatever. The passion of these communities has gone haywire in the last few years, with some weird and frequently toxic results. Time to take the edge off, gang, and rediscover your joy.   

But marijuana’s not right for everyone. So what I’d propose is a specific type of therapy practice that deals in obsessive thinking — the kind that centers on sports or a pop-cultural product. Meet up with a doctor in this field, tell them why you spent $30,000 on Funko Pops last year or whatever it is, and let them give you the pills that choke off the neurotransmitter responsible. Look, I don’t know how any of that works, I just know there’s got to be a cure. Fans around the world are suffering the ill effects of caring far too deeply about rushing yards or Disney canon or what kind of pants Harry Styles wears. Give them some relief before they all go full Joker.

It may not be in the Hippocratic Oath, but it’s long overdue.