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Why Not Pissing Straight Is Potentially a Reason to Panic

The good, the bad and the ugly things we learned about our bodies today

For today’s column, I’d like to ask you to take a piss.

I’ll wait.

How’d it go? Did your pee come out as straight as the crow flies, or at more of an angle? If you fall into the latter category, I’ve got some bad news for you: YOU HAVE CANCER. Just kidding, but seriously, you are at a higher risk for developing cancer later in life.

Hear me out: According to a new study of over 1.5 million men by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, men with a condition known as Peyronie’s disease — a.k.a. penile fibrosis, a.k.a. a curved dick — are at a higher likelihood of contracting testicular, skin, and stomach cancer than a guy whose dick is as straight as an arrow (40 percent, 29 percent and 40 percent higher, respectively).

This is because the men who suffer from Peyronie’s seemingly share a gene that predisposes them to these types of cancer. Dr. Alexander Pastuszak, lead researcher in the study, thinks this is actually good news:

“This is important because these conditions are largely taken for granted. […] these men should be monitored for development of these disorders disproportionately in contrast to the rest of the population.”

Essentially, what he’s saying is that our genes — good or bad — can manifest themselves in seemingly innocuous ways, and thus everything needs to be looked at and studied in order to catch any potential issues. That doesn’t mean guys with curved dicks should panic, though — the study concludes that men with Peyronie’s should simply be more closely monitored for cancer, just in case.

Don’t look so sad, curvies: At the very least, you can celebrate that the sex is better.

A few other things we learned about our bodies today: