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When Christians Want to Talk About Fucking Each Other Better, Here’s Where They Turn

The Lord’s flock clap dat ass, too — after 5 o’clock mass, of course

Recently, I became fascinated by a blog I’d stumbled across: The amazingly-named Christian Nymphos. Despite being defunct for around seven years — its last post was a reflective farewell — the purpose of the seemingly antithetically-named website remains clearly stated on its homepage: “The mission of Christian Nymphos is to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands, so they will be able to reach out and help free the women in their lives.”

While the Christian Church has a notably lengthy history of stifling sexual impulses — especially those regarded as deviant or kinky (read: Anything that isn’t missionary position with the lights out) — the slogan displayed on the Christian Nymphos homepage is surprisingly welcoming (and fun): “Married Sex: Spicy, the way God intended it!”

The topics covered by the now-retired author are also all-inclusive, including anal sex, foreplay, masturbation, oral sex and sex toys, which seems at odds with the common perception of devoted Christians as completely vanilla.

The actual advice given by the author — who writes under the pseudonym “cumingirl,” although whether this is intended as an instruction, or simply an acknowledgement of her appreciation of the spice, is unclear — is also shockingly sexy, at least considering it’s directed toward a traditionally conservative Christian audience. “You can easily add rimming or anal attentions to oral sex if you two are into that sort of thing,” the author suggests on a post titled “Cunnilingus 101.” “Finger cots and lube make it easy to graze or rub lightly over the anus while your tongue is busy up top.”

All of which left me with many (many) questions, including this one: How exactly does the average Christian discuss — and eventually indulge in — their wildest sexual desires? According to Anne Marie Miller, author of 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About Their Kids and Sex, Christianity isn’t actually all that sexually repressive in the first place — so long as you’re both straight and married, at least. Miller — who recently stepped down from her position as a popular Christian author and blogger, but is still a practicing Christian — told me the following:

“My personal belief, which I think is well-supported by the Bible, is that — when you’re married — anything goes so long as you aren’t infringing or forcing something upon your spouse. I once heard [about an activity where] each person draws a square on a sheet of paper. Inside that square, they write any and all sexual activities that they enjoy (and are okay with doing). Outside of that square, they write the sexual activities that they feel uncomfortable with. And on the corners of the paper, they write down the sexual activities that are completely off the table. Once done, they stack the papers on top of one another, so that both parties can see who’s comfortable with what.”

Exercises like this, she says, can lead to a larger conversation that eventually allows both parties to experiment and grow in their sexuality together. If such a conversation leads to kinkier variations of sex — say, bringing sex toys into the bedroom — Miller says that’s probably fine by God. “In the First Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians, he says, ‘Only vibrators — no dongs,’” she jokes. “Seriously though, the Bible doesn’t address sex toys directly or indirectly. (I assume they had some sort of sex toy back in the first century, but it probably wasn’t hot pink and wiggly.) But if both people are into sex toys, and they improve your sex life, go for it.”

Clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Sunny Rodgers (who recently became an ordained minister) adds, however, that some of her Christian clients believe that sex toys shouldn’t reduce the dignity of the persons engaging in sex. For that reason, she says, Christians might be more inclined to opt for oral sex. “Drawing from his own experience as a priest and bishop before he became Pope John Paul II, Karol Wojtyla wrote a book entitled Love and Responsibility,” Rodgers says. “In it, he writes that couples should strive to attain climax at the same time during sexual intercourse, and that it’s the man’s responsibility to ensure that his wife orgasms. He also writes that this is when oral sex is allowed: To help a wife climax at the same time as the husband.” More contemporary believers (like Miller) would likely argue that oral sex is totally cool whenever, as long as you and your partner are in it together, but hey, it’s not bad advice considering it’s from the Pope.

Speaking of sex toys and oral sex, Christians are also apparently super into pussy slapping — a porny phenomenon MEL staffer Tracy Moore explored in a recent article:

“Clit tapping has some unexpected fans in Christians, and they are among the top results on how to actually do it in a real relationship. Christian blog Uncovering Intimacy devoted a whole post to ‘clitoral slapping’ for more adventurous Christian marrieds, where they laid it out in a totally straightforward fashion.”

All this said, anything that puts into question the sanctity of your marriage is strictly off-limits. For instance, Miller makes a point to emphasize the difference between fantasizing about someone other than your spouse (which she considers to be a sin) and role-playing (which she says isn’t a sin). “Thinking about someone else when you’re getting down (and getting off) with your spouse — in my opinion and according to the Bible — is infidelity,” she says, indicating that God presumably has a dim view on micro-cheating. “Sex is just as much in your brain as it is below your waist, and anyone who comes in the middle of the parties engaging in it — literally or figuratively — breaks the bond of marriage. Role-playing, on the other hand, is fine: You’re with your person.”

This brings us to a hot-button issue among Christians: Unmarried sex. “If you’re not married, the Bible has a lot to say about how to protect your mind, body and heart from getting hurt from sex outside of marriage,” Miller explains. “People sometimes think of God as this big dictator with a bunch of commands and rules that keep us from having fun. I see him as a guy who designed some pretty awesome and sexy things to enjoy while we grow and learn as humans. The ‘rules’ he has for us really only help us. For instance, I grew up a preacher’s kid, and I was a virgin when I got married. Was it this perfect moment when I lost my virginity because I waited? Heck, no. It hurt and was awkward — just like everyone else’s first time. But I don’t regret waiting.”

Then again, more and more young Christians are engaging in unmarried sex. “According to the National Association of Evangelicals, 80 percent of unmarried evangelical Christians between the ages 18 and 29 admit to having had premarital sex,” Rodgers notes. “This is a true sign that millennials aren’t abiding by the same Christian guidelines that their parents did.”

Then of course, there’s the fact that many Christians condemn homosexual acts as sinful — not all, these days, by any means, but it’s certainly something the Church has traditionally been vehemently against. Miller, however, doesn’t resign herself to this belief. “Obviously, there’s homophobia within the church, and that sucks,” she says. “I hate that — it’s so bad. Personally, I don’t know why the church is against including the LGBTQ community, and I think they messed up by putting doctrines, policies and bylaws in the way of loving people. We’re all living with our own skeletons and our own things that would ‘disqualify’ us from being a part of the church, but it’s sadly easier for churches to focus on vulnerable groups of people. Let’s focus on taking care of our own bodies and stop killing ourselves with obesity and heart attacks, and and let’s stop all these pastors from molesting kids and watching porn while preaching purity. The Bible talks about gluttony and self-control more than it talks about being gay.”

Miller adds, however, that she — a straight, divorced and remarried women — has never felt too sexually restricted by Christianity. “There isn’t some weird religious guilt or paranoia that hovers over me when I mess up in this area of my life — when I looked at porn, casually messed around with guys after my ex-husband left and dwelled on things that weren’t healthy for me or my relationships — but I can see why those Biblical boundaries are in place,” she says.

But above all, Miller says the relationship between Christians and sex is generally positive. “Christians, married or not, know that God wants us to enjoy sex,” she emphasizes. “We believe he made it, and made it well.”

I knew the upside-down 69 couldn’t have been concocted by human alone.