Imagine you just found a super cool vintage couch on Facebook Marketplace, paid for it and brought it home. You excitedly share your find on TikTok. The views start racking up — people must really like this couch! — and you check the comments. From the comfort of your new furnishing, you’re bombarded with people telling you that’s not just any couch you’ve got there: It’s a swinger’s couch, and it’s probably covered in bodily fluids.
This is precisely what happened to one woman, @malloryonthemoon, who just wanted to share the unique secondhand couch she got for $700 with the internet. Instead, she was told it was used for raucous group sex on March 3rd.
But what exactly makes this couch, or any couch for that matter, a swinger’s couch?
Well, nothing, really. Nobody besides that specific couch’s previous owners know what exactly took place on it, and they’ve yet to comment. But people are assuming it’s a swinger’s couch because of its shape. The couch is a half circle, and features three ottomans that, when put all together, form a giant full circle. It’s perfect for gathering lots of people in a variety of positions while just hanging out, watching a movie, or, of course, fucking.
Some members of r/Swingers confirm its use, too. “I have two on my patio and one in my room with a stripper pole in the middle of it,” one swinger tells me. “That’s a play couch,” another adds. “Much better than taking a couple to your bed.”
But really, any couch could be a swinger’s couch. Look through a selection of swingers porn out there, and you’ll see couches of all shapes and sizes. That said, if you’re a committed swinger and have the opportunity to cater your furniture to your lifestyle, it definitely makes sense to get a model that basically turns into one big sturdy bed that can be wiped down and sanitized afterward. It seems much better than a flimsy pull-out sofa. On Reddit, swingers recommend California king-sized beds (possibly even putting two together), as well as various chaise lounge-type pieces that are often marketed for “yoga.” L-shaped sofas are also popular, as is the Nugget, a completely innocent child’s chair. It’s unclear who exactly made the couch from the viral TikTok, but similar models can be found online for around $2,500.
Among the most common comments on @malloryonthemoon’s videos is the suggestion that she should take a black light to the couch in order to see if there’s semen on it (she has yet to do so). Presumably, though, one could take a black light to any used couch, and they probably wouldn’t be too happy about what they found. It seems unlikely that any secondhand couch on the market hasn’t been sexed on. Hell, you’ve probably been banging on your own couch as it is, and there’s no way you’re thoroughly disinfecting it before your next guest sits down on it unless you’ve made a visible mess. So if I had to guess, a swinger’s couch is even cleaner than a regular couch, because it’s (hopefully) being wiped down regularly.
Again, though, there’s really no way of knowing for sure whether a couch is a swinger’s couch unless the owners tell you that’s what it was used for. Maybe @mallorythemoon’s couch was previously owned by nuns! In any case, it’s never a bad idea to give used furniture a good cleaning before you start living on it. You never know when TikTok is going to tell you where it’s been.
Magdalene Taylor
Magdalene Taylor is a staff writer at MEL. She covers internet culture, sex and the online adult industry. She lives in Brooklyn but is from God's Country, Western Massachusetts.
