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What Do Most Women Wish Men Knew About Sex?

And all your other most pressing questions for adult film legend Tasha Reign

Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Once a week then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love long, too. 

I’m trying to be a conscientious porn-watcher. Right now I pay for Brazzers and Digital Playground, but I’m wondering if this is a fair way for performers to be compensated, or if it’s like Spotify for musicians where it barely makes anybody money. Basically, is it better to subscribe to somebody’s specific website?
Such a good question! It’s totally fine to subscribe to these pay sites. I’ll leave my personal opinions about the ethics of those companies for another article (it’s a much longer read), but let me explain how subscribing to them works so you can understand exactly what you’re paying for. 

No matter whether you’re paying for a one-time, weekly, monthly or yearly subscription for a site like Brazzers or Digital Playground, the performer(s) you’re watching only get compensated for their modeling and acting work for the day of the shoot. That’s it. They don’t get paid every time the video plays, or when a third-party site like YouPorn picks it up. Just for shoot day. 

However, your payment to the production company also covers the cost of all the other amazing people involved, from the makeup artists to production assistants and beyond. Your subscription isn’t necessarily helping any of those people buy a helicopter or diamond-studded collar for their pet tiger — adult content costs a lot of money to make — but when combined with the thousands (and millions) of other subscribers’ payments, it does make a difference. The more money a studio makes, the more they can pay their employees, the more often they can shoot (and therefore pay people to perform) and the more exciting new content you can watch. 

By contrast, if you directly subscribe to any of our individual sites, the money goes mostly to the performer and not to the production company (in other words, you’re paying me). And instead of me only getting paid for the day I perform, I’m getting the income directly from your subscription. When you do that, too, you’ll probably get access to a more intimate side of them. So if that’s important to you, it’s an even better idea to subscribe to someone’s specific website. (It is possible for a performer to profit off of their own model hubs or videos on tube sites, but you’d have to go to their verified pages in order for that to happen.)

Lastly, if you keep up-to-date on what performers are saying about various production companies, you can learn about the ethics of the studios that way as well. In all honesty though, I think subscribing to the performers’ websites is the best method of making sure you’re watching ethical porn. On that note, onlyfans.com/tashareign would be my most recent recommendation for my content right now, wink wink. 

I’m 21, and I really want to grow up to be a good lover. As an expert, what do you think most women wished men knew about sex?
First of all, I think some of the most important ways to be a good lover actually have nothing to do with sex at all (at least directly). For example, kindness. Kindness is everything. It’s my number one deal-breaker. Is my man kind? Is he sweet to animals, children, women and the people he has power over? Is he kind to people who work in service? Most importantly, is he kind to me? Similarly, is he thoughtful? Does he care enough to ask about me and what I need? 

These are questions I always ask myself in the beginning and throughout the course of a relationship, and when the answer is “yes,” the guy always seems to be better in bed. 

In my experience, a man being in touch with his “feminine” side makes him a good lover as well. It shows that he’s unafraid to exist outside the narrow, limited box of sexual expression that men are “allowed” to live in, and when that translates directly into the bedroom, it’s so hot. Men who can embrace their softer, gentler, more empathetic and more communicative qualities are usually more adventurous, take their time in pleasing me and have more of an interest in making sex a collaborative effort that works well for everyone. It’s also really nice to be with more comfortably “feminine” men because they have less of a tendency to focus on their orgasm and penetrative sex as the pinnacle of sex or to pressure me to come. I find it so funny that so-called “nice guys” are often portrayed as the “weak” characters in film and on TV. These are the guys that are killing it in bed in real life!

Then, of course, there’s consent. This is so important to me (and pretty much everyone else). I wish more men knew that it’s absolutely pivotal in negotiating all forms of touch. I wish they placed a greater importance on safety. I want for men to make their lover feel safe and secure; to check in with her and to ask her if she’s enjoying herself; to communicate thoroughly and in a way that’s both effective and sexy; and to know that asking for permission and talking things out is actually very arousing. It makes us feel like we can let go and enjoy ourselves because our boundaries will be respected. 

Oh, and then there’s my best friend — foreplay. Most women want to be kissed, licked, played with and felt all over before sex. Most of us really do need to be warmed up, and I think I speak for the majority of us when I say we’d love for men to learn how to take their time with this part of sex. Make sex a sanctified ceremony and treat it like it’s something sacred. 

However, out of all of these things, the most important way a man can learn to be a good lover would be to realize that women don’t fit into the boxes we try to make them fit into. Sexual women can be monogamous. Shy women can be freaks in the sheets. Different women like different things, and it’s all about figuring out what makes the specific woman you’re with tick.

And there you go! That’s my lover-to-be manifesto.

I recently walked in on my girlfriend masturbating. It was pretty awkward — I kind of stood there stunned, and she just froze. Then I turned around and closed the door behind me, which she later said made her feel awful. I can also tell she’s sometimes getting herself off in bed next to me while she thinks I’m asleep. What should I be doing in these situations? And maybe more to the point, why is she doing this when I’m right there?
It’s curious that you bring this up, but I’m glad you did. I don’t hear people talk about women masturbating very often. If anything, I hear men saying that their girlfriends don’t like when they watch porn or when they’re in the next room over masturbating behind their backs, but men getting all weird when women do it? That’s new territory. 

But look, here’s the thing: Most people — including most women — masturbate. In fact, many women are just as (or more) sexually voracious as men (though men aren’t always the mindless cum machines the media makes them out to be either). Often, that sexual appetite comes across in the form of self-pleasure. And that’s healthy! People need to be able to get themselves off without a partner, because when they don’t, that sexual frustration and physical energy can get pent up and lead to negative moods, feelings and habits that, when left unhandled, can be pretty destructive. 

I, for one, definitely masturbate when my partner is home. Sometimes, when I want to go for round two right after sex and he doesn’t want to, I get myself off right next to him. Or more often than not, it’s early in the morning and my boyfriend has things to do or just isn’t in the mood, so I take out the Hitachi and go to town. I usually do this in the next room over from my boyfriend, just like your girlfriend does, but sometimes I also do it in bed next to him and ask him to rub me. 

It’s very healthy for a woman to be confident enough to feel like she can do this near you. So if I were your girlfriend and I was doing this that close to you, or in situations where you could potentially “catch” me masturbating, I’d probably want you to get in on the action. What I would not want you to do is ignore me. And I would certainly not want you to close the door and walk away. That would make me feel ashamed or like you didn’t want me. I can’t speak for your girlfriend and I don’t know what her exact motivations are, but I can understand why she said you doing that made her feel awful. 

If this happens again and you’re in the mood — or can get yourself in the mood — then ask if you can watch or join her and make a move. I bet she’d really love that. Ask her about it when you’re both just hanging out, not during the awkward moment itself. Ask her if masturbating near you is something that gets her off, and how she’d like you to react next time. 

Above all, fret not! It sounds like your girlfriend has a healthy sexual appetite and feels safe expressing it around you, which is a good thing. Either she’s getting turned on by knowing you’re there, or she’s just horny and doesn’t want to always initiate sex. After all, it can be burdensome to always be the one in charge and to always ask to fuck. So try to get into the vibe and help her help herself!

Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at tashareign1@gmail.com!