As a major anxiety sufferer and California resident, I’ve had a prescription for medical marijuana since 2006. In the decade since, I have tried — and made — all sorts of crazy cannabis products, but these days every time I go to the dispensary I see some new thing that you can eat or drink or rub on your body. As a public service, I decided to test out some of the more intriguing options to see whether they live up to the hype.
I’m getting high for you, folks, and don’t you forget it.
So what happened this week, when I finally, FINALLY, got down with some weed lube? Did I amicably end things with a guy thought I wanted to date? Did I discover true narcissism and self-actualization with my vibrator? Did I cum super hard? Let’s find out.
Product: Foria Pleasure Spray
Ingredients: Medical cannabis oil, liquid coconut oil
Purchased from: Exhale Med Center in West Hollywood
Suggested dosage: Each bottle contains 150mg THC, which the label suggests equals 15 doses of 10mg each.
Actual dosage: Ah, you know I wasn’t gonna go half-hearted on this, didn’t you? I used about a third of the bottle each time so that’s, what? About 50mg per dose. Should also remind you guys that while Foria is technically safe to consume (i.e., lick off your partner’s naughty bits) and will get you high if eaten, it is a topical product and is not meant to have a psychoactive effect. If you wanna get stoned and use Foria, just smoke a bowl like a normal person, man.
The scent: This is a big one. I don’t use lube as a general rule (unless we’re talking assplay, but that’s another review for another product) because I hate the way it makes me smell. We’re gonna get into the nitty-gritty right now so I hope you’re ready to hear me talk about my pussy. My pussy smells great, y’all, and I’m sure I’m not the only woman who gets turned on by it. Often lubes have a tendency to mask our natural scent with a clinical, latexy ickiness, but this lube didn’t do that at all. On its own, the Foria didn’t smell like much at all — certainly not like marijuana — and if anything it enhanced what was going on down there on all levels, even olfactory. We’re off to a great start.
The experience: Being nothing if not a thorough and dedicated weed reviewer, I tried Foria on two separate occasions — with a partner and all by my lonesome. I’ve heard from people that it’s better with a partner, but I actually found myself more able to relax and really get into things when it was just me and my vibrator on a Sunday afternoon.
Some things to note about the product: Once you spray it all over your beautiful nethers, you are supposed to wait for at least 15 minutes to let the stuff get to work. Additionally, it’s not compatible with latex condoms, so you either have to use it with an established safe-sex partner or get non-latex condoms. Both of these factors add to the complications of really enjoying the benefits with another person. A quarter of an hour doesn’t seem so long when you’re alone and can just spray it on and watch an episode of Drunk History while you’re waiting to get busy with your bad self, but it is an eternity if you’re already all wound up and naked with a big hard dick just begging to be taken care of. Foria suggests foreplay, yadda yadda, but I’m not the most patient woman under the best of circumstances. I think we waited the full 15 minutes before starting to bone, but I honestly can’t be sure.
So yeah, the P in the V sex was just okay. Nothing as good as when I fucked the same dude after drinking a glass of weed rosé, let me tell you. Yeah, I came, but it wasn’t spectacular, and it certainly didn’t stop me from ending things with the guy as I had been planning to afterward. He couldn’t commit, we’re still friends, I highly recommend sex with him, etc etc etc.
So after a few days of feeling extremely empowered and self-sufficient, I decided it was time to treat myself and break out the Foria again. Being less distracted by men and their inadequate emotions, I was able to really pay attention to the process and how the weed lube affected my body.
Almost immediately there was an amping up of warmth in and around my ladybits. It was relaxing and not overwhelming and seriously got me in the mood. I waited a little longer this time, about half an hour, just to make sure I was really getting what I needed from it. Then, since I didn’t even have to wait to get wet, I just put on some porn and got right down to business. The feel of the lube was smooth and natural and got me hella hot without being overstimulating. And then, yes, I came very, very, delightfully hard, one of those reverberating orgasms that leave you half-comatose afterward. It was fucking great.
Conclusion: Five and a half out of six pot leaves for the Foria lube. Points dinged for condom incompatibility, but otherwise goddamn, what a spectacular product. It’s a brave new world we live in, folks, a world full of weed-soaked pussies and anal sex marijuana suppositories, and I, for one, am proud to be a part of it.
