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Weed Cheetos: The Never-Ending Munchies Loop

As a major anxiety sufferer and California resident, I’ve had a prescription for medical marijuana since 2006. In the decade since, I have tried — and made — all sorts of crazy cannabis products, but these days every time I go to the dispensary I see some new thing that you can eat or drink or rub on your body. As a public service, I decided to test out some of the more intriguing options to see whether they live up to the hype.

I’m getting high for you, folks, and don’t you forget it.

So what happened this week, when I scarfed down some weed Cheetos (okay, technically they’re not Cheetos because Cheetos is a family-friendly company that would not make weed snacks, but why quibble?) and got crunk at a Chuck E. Cheese? Did I freak out some children? Did I get freaked out by an animatronic mouse? Did I commit wholeheartedly to the goal of winning some damn tickets? Oh yeah baby, oh yeah.

Product: Weeto’s Crunchy medicated snacks

Purchased from: The Green Rose in Los Angeles

Ingredients: Enriched Corn Meal, Cannabis Oil, Soy and/or Sunflower Lecithin, Vegetable Oil, Whey, Salt, Cheddar Cheese, and less than 2% of the following: Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Maltodextrin, Disodium Phosphate, Sour Cream, Artificial Flavor, Monosodium Glutamate, Lactic Acid, Artificial Color, Citric Acid.

Suggested dosage: Each 3 oz. bag contains 7.5 doses of 20mg THC each? That is some confusing math.

Actual dosage: I ate the entire bag, which is theoretically 150mg of THC.

The flavor: Okay, so here’s what I loved about these. They taste pretty much exactly like Crunchy Cheetos, but they do also taste like weed. The flavor of Weetos is kind of equivalent to just shoving a handful of Cheetos in your mouth after taking a few deep-ass bong rips. The taste of marijuana is there, in your mouth, but it’s a complement, an accent to the cheesy, snacky, MSG-y flavor we’re all familiar with. Eating a whole bag, including the crumbs I dumped into my mouth, was no kind of a challenge. It’s probably a good thing I only had the one bag or I would’ve just kept on eating them.

The experience: To lend some variety to the weed-reviewing experience, I decided to go for an adventure. Since I had never been to a Chuck E. Cheese ever in my whole life, and there is one near my house that is welcoming to childless adults who may or may not make their living writing edibles reviews, spending a Tuesday afternoon playing arcade games and eating mediocre pizza sounded like a winning idea.

I was so excited! I grew up in a rural area, so while Chuck E. Cheeses were an integral part of many of my friends’ childhoods, I could only imagine the wonders that lay within. Eating the bag of Weetos in the car on the way over, I realized the genius of this idea: I could get super high without going into a children’s playspace reeking of weed. My boyfriend and I sauntered in and got pizza and beer and settled into a booth so that he could work on his laptop while I did whatever it was I was going to do. (Chuck E. Cheese, ICYMI, has free wifi.)

I worked with kids for a long time and there’s a reason I don’t anymore, so I was expecting to have to hide from annoying children who might question why I was acting so strange. The place was, while not fully, certainly busy with kids and at least two birthday parties. Every half-hour a lackluster employee would come out in the mouse suit and do a very half-hearted dance to a very annoying song, but that was as bad as it got! I was definitely high, but with no paranoia or sensory sensitivity that I’ve experienced at other times. Mostly the kids just ignored the weird adults in the corner, which suited me just fine.

While the BF was working, I roamed around and played some games. I’ve never been good at video games, so there’s not much appeal for me there, but I do love winning dumb prizes so once I found the giant, full-screen version of Fruit Ninja I parked in front of it and went to town. Fruit Ninja is a great iPad game that I am super good at, and there is something particularly amazing about being super high and using your entire arm to slice up brightly colored fruit animations.

I ended up winning about 200 tickets, and once we had experienced Chuck E.’s song-and-dance number for the fourth time we collected our winnings, I scored a glowstick topped with a heart-eyes emoji from the prize counter, and we bounced on outta there. I was a little tired, but far more energized than I had expected to be after a 150mg, child-filled afternoon.

Conclusion: Five out of six pot leaves for the Weeto’s. Love the taste, love the sparkly, energetic high without any paranoia — I’m just not convinced that there is actually as much THC in a bag of these things as they claim. Otherwise, though, a terrific product to satisfy the child in your soul as well as your stomach.