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This Week in Dudes

From sex fears to Nazi hunting — you’re really doing it, guys

Go ahead, hop off that burning hoverboard and let’s see what dudes were up to this week.

They decided to not watch any more porn, even though as it turns out porn makes them more “sexually sensitive” (and more attracted to their partner). They might also be terrified of sex: The number-one “sex fear” for men is STIs, with lack of orgasm coming in at a close second. (Somewhat shockingly, “small penis” is all the way down at number eight.)

Let’s say they did get their partner pregnant (that would be fear number three for both men and women): Thanks to America’s more or less total lack of support for parents, having a kid won’t make them happier. Speaking of unhappy husbands and wives, how about these husbands that make their wives fly coach while they take first or business class? Why? Because they’re babies: “John finds economy unbearable,” says one wife, Michelle Sedgemore. “He doesn’t like the chatter, hates that too many people are in close proximity and can’t bear being crammed into his seat.”

Vacation canceled. Unless, of course, you were a dad at VidCon — that seems like enough misery to repay you for the whole business-class thing. Other fun vacation ideas? How about heading to Philadelphia to see Ben Franklin’s ghost do a little dance? (Or, as it turns out, not.) Anyone up for Japanese wrestling? Tennis? No? Nazi hunting it is!

Maybe we should all spend this weekend writing the next Great American Novel?

…Nah. But if you had a nice Fourth of July weekend, maybe you should thank Great American icon, John Cena: