Men, as we previously reported, are more than capable of producing meals sad enough to leave even famed food-roaster Gordon Ramsay lost for words. And apparently, when nobody’s looking, dude meals somehow become even more depressing.
This was sadly substantiated by a recent r/AskMen thread, which prompted guys to describe the dinners they whip up when “no other humans are watching.” Because these meals are sick enough to make even Cup Noodles seem gourmet, we listed some of the saddest from the thread (sic, obviously, throughout).
Raw Pasta (With Lemon Juice)
“Raw pasta soaked in lemon juice,” commenter BlueSplash2020 writes. “It’s just crunchy enough, yet soft enough, with an appealing flavor. I put sea salt on it to really make it good.” Yeah…“good.”
Noodles with Protein Powder
“Instant noodles and protein powder, because I’m too lazy to go out and buy food,” commenter xx-Rain_Maker-xx writes, to which fellow commenter Steelseoul accurately responds, “Gainz are gainz I guess.”
Straight-Up Cheese
“A brick of cheese, commenter hagravenicepick writes, which prompts commenter Charaserino to share their own cheese-y story. “I work in a electronic/random-shit store,” they explain. “In walks a customer that you could see was a bit weird. He asks something, and while I’m looking it up, he takes a one kilogram brick of gouda cheese out of his backpack and starts eating it — like forcing it into his mouth the same way the Cookie Monster eats cookies. I had no idea how to react.”
Two Pounds of Beef (With Some Cheese)
“Every once in a while, I’ll get up at like eight in the morning, completely forget to eat for the entire day and end up starving by seven at night,” commenter cougardraven explains. “So I’ll just throw a two-pound block of beef in a pan, brown it, add taco seasoning and cheese and just eat it over the course of two hours. Then, I sleep for 12 hours and not eat the next day. I know it’s unhealthy, but fuck it: I don’t intend to live forever.”
Lots of Lettuce
“Just a bag of iceberg lettuce,” commenter bigusdickus475 writes. “I don’t why; it just tastes good.” In response, commenter fakeSenate asks, “Are you a rabbit, sir?”
Seven Boiled Eggs
“I’ll eat like seven hard-boiled eggs at a time,” commenter Shitload_Of_Fuck admits. At least he’ll literally never need to poop, ever.
Canned Tuna Mac
“I make White Trash Lobster Mac and Cheese, which is actually canned tuna salad and a box of Kraft,” commenter indoorcigarettes writes.
Pickle Spear and Condiment Burritos
“A single pickle spear with ketchup and mustard drizzled on top rolled up in a warm flour tortilla,” commenter Wequiwa writes. “After turning vegetarian, I missed one food more than anything — a double cheeseburger from Burger King. I spent days formulating and hypothesizing about how I could recreate those delicious flavors I loved without the meat. After several experiments, I discovered that it was the flavor of the pickle mixed with ketchup and mustard that I like the most. Voilà! I call it the Eddie Sandwich.”
Spaghetti and… Wait for It… Popcorn!
“Spaghetti and popcorn,” commenter CWhiz45 writes. “I know it doesn’t go together, and the textures don’t match at all, but sometimes I just want them both at the same time.”
Chips and Yogurt (Or Watermelon and Rice)
“Lay’s Classic Potato Chips crushed into plain yogurt,” commenter YoshiLickedMyBum69 writes. “Watermelon and rice.” In response, commenter slha1605 asks, “Who hurt you?”
We suspect that it was Yoshi.
Ian Lecklitner
Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.
