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The Pros and Cons of Road Head

Road head — the act of receiving oral sex while operating a moving vehicle — made the news recently when an Uber driver was suspended for allegedly gettin’ some from a front-seat passenger, while another passenger rode in the back seat (quietly filming said road head). The driver is obviously to be commended for delivering his passengers to their destination while participating in a sexual act, but the world is in universal near-agreement that doing so on the job—and maybe ever—is an unequivocally trash move.

But, as andrew81 from Missouri asked astutely on a dating forum in 2007, is road head “fun or just a stupid idea”? Or is it both? And more importantly, what are the optimal conditions for successful, safe, yet appropriately risky road head, and furthermore, how can you get some while you’re still young?

Let’s find out.

First up, the pros of getting road head, which aren’t unsubstantial.

Head

If you like getting head, you’ll potentially love getting head in the semi-privacy of your own moving vehicle.

Danger

Are you the sort of person who goes bungee-jumping without triple-checking the ripcord? Road head could be right for you.

Fun

If you’re an excellent driver who isn’t derailed by a little oral action, road head is probably the sort of thing you and a partner could laugh off as a sexy fun good time where you got off with a transgressive thrill.

Multitasking

Successfully receiving road head is doing many things well at once — navigating traffic while not coming/crashing, changing lanes while not coming/crashing and looking in the rearview mirror while not coming/crashing. Bonus points if you can receive road head while driving a stick shift and not coming/crashing. True, most seasoned drivers can drive on autopilot while eating or talking on the phone, but doing so while slowly building up to an orgasm and not coming/crashing is next-level sexual multitasking at its finest.

Bragging Rights

If you get some road head, and you tell other people you got some road head, other people will definitely know you as the sort of lucky guy who gets road head and talks about it.

There are, however, several cons to getting road head that, on their face, seem to outweigh the pros by a blowjob mile.

Death

You could die, the person giving you road head could die or someone else could die. Randy Joe Allen, a 54-year-old Florida man, learned that the hard way when, while getting road head from a woman he met at a bar, he felt a bump in the road and kept going. He said he must have hit a stop sign, but really he had plowed into a cyclist and killed him. There is no punch line here.

Shitty Driving at High Speeds

A study of students at the University of South Dakota in 2014 found that 33 percent of men and 9 percent of women had participated in some kind of sexual activity while driving — most often oral sex, followed by garden-variety genital touching, then masturbation, then vaginal sex. A third said they sped while doing it, another third drifted out of their lane and 11 percent let go of the steering wheel completely. Obviously, hands-free road head is ill-advised. More than half of the respondents said that the sexual activity they performed occurred on a two- or four-lane highway at speeds between 61 to 80 miles per hour.

Road Head Wreck

This is what happens when you give someone road head to “help them relax.”

Sex Injuries

All it takes is one pothole to end up with a severed dick, a bruised throat or at least a lot of embarrassment.

General Awkwardness

For the receiver of the road head, it could be awkward to be spotted by other drivers, particularly, say, scandalized children, or voyeuristic truckers. For the giver, it’s pleasurable to give pleasure, but most people don’t prefer doing it with parking brakes jammed into their abdomen at 80 miles per hour.

Getting Busted

What exactly happens when you receive a moving beej violation? While most states don’t indicate explicitly that it’s illegal to get a blowie while driving, laws against distracting driving or lewd behavior in public are more than adequate enough to cover it.

Hot Tips

It’s clear that getting road head is great until it’s literally, nightmarishly not, and like worker’s compensation, it gives with one hand while taking away with another. That’s why successful road head veterans lay out a few tips for pulling off road head for all the rookies out there, from comfort considerations to basic safety. Per one guide at The Cornell Daily Sun:

  • Do it in a smaller car without a bulky center divider;
  • Make sure your giver’s hair is tied back so it doesn’t get in the way;
  • Stay on the freeway to avoid lots of stops;
  • FOCUS ON THE ROAD;
  • Make sure your partner is okay with swallowing to avoid a mess.

But perhaps most importantly of all, when it’s time to blow your load, “you should probably just pull over,” they note. It’s the least you can do, given that you’re already doing something pretty risky and pretty stupid. “It would kind of suck if one of those spasming legs was connected to a gas pedal.”

Wouldn’t it, though? Your other option is to go back to getting blowjobs in private, but that wouldn’t be as fun, huh?