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The Character Assassination of Botham Jean, Eating Pizza for Thirty-Seven Years Straight and Why Your Asshole Itches

Do you ever think about what you’d eat if money, health and social standing were taken out of the equation, like this guy who has eaten pizza every day since he was three years old? I do.

I do.

I think there are a few different cuisines I could really run train on. The first is Chinese. It’s no secret around the office that I’ve got a bit of a thing for Chinese food, and I don’t need to fly to Shanghai when Din Tai Fung is like 20 minutes away. Xiao long bao, get in me. Second, is probably sushi. I know everyone’s got their favorite sushi bar, but mine has to be Uchi, in Austin, Texas. I could eat there every day for 37 years straight, no problem.

But pizza? I’m not so sure. There’s just not enough variation in pizza to make it sustainable. Of course, Homeslice in London is pretty incredible. And, well, so is Mozza.

Ah, fuck it, I’d totally eat pizza for life.

Stop judging me.

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How to Kill a Black Man Twice in America: The Botham Jean Story
Eight days after the death of Botham Jean, a black man shot by a white police officer while alone in his own home, something happened that was equally tragic: Jean was killed again, this time at the hands of the news media. Not with a gun, obviously. Instead, they assassinated his character, following a script that African Americans are all too familiar with. READ MORE

No Money No Problem

Losing weight isn’t a rich man’s luxury. A new study found that people who earn next to nothing can still lose up to 5 percent of their body weight in a year, at minimal cost and with minimal changes to their lifestyle. Things like:

  • Cutting 116 calories a day (those calories add up)
  • Going meatless on Mondays (or any other day, for that matter)
  • Cooking in one pot (forces you to shop and cook with forethought, but still simple and cheap)
  • Doing one annoying activity a day (you can burn 115 calories in just 15 minutes scrubbing your bathtub)
  • Drinking more water (more water = less space in your stomach)

Those are just a few steps anyone can take toward a slimmer future. Find out what else you can do to lose weight on a budget, here.

Going Soft

You know what sucks sometimes about fucking? The demand to perform, i.e., keeping your dick hard. You know what sucks sometimes about dating? The demand for pics of my steely-hard trouser snake. If only there was a community of men who celebrated their flaccidity — like on Reddit or something — where I may share photos of my softie without fear of insult or laughter…

Speaking of Performing

Listen, guys have to go through some shit sometimes. Like the fact that we have to act all masculine at work, which means not be nice, show empathy, be vulnerable or modest and never fucking cry. And if we do stray from our masculinity, God help us, because a recent report in the Harvard Business Review suggests that men who don’t fit their gender stereotype at work are penalized for it.

Nature is Canceled

As recently as last week, 20-year-old internet personality Kelvin Peña, aka “Brother Nature,” was delighting millions of his Twitter and Instagram followers with viral animal videos.

This week, however, he’s been “canceled,” which is essentially a community’s way of exiling a hero it helped create, and it’s all due to some hyper-racist shit he said before he finished puberty. But now, a growing number of people are asking, “is that fair?”

A Little Bit Dirty

When it comes to sexy uniforms, there’s the hot teacher, the naughty nurse — and then there’s the French maid. While there might be demand for the first two, the supply-side of the equation is all over the latter, considering erotic-maid services are popping up faster than boners around a feather duster. We spoke to former patrons, a sex therapist and a social psychologist about why hot maids make men go wild, and it isn’t the promise of streak-free stemware.

Pizza 4 Life

If you said you wouldn’t want the ability to eat pizza every day for 37 years without looking like the “gluttony” victim from Se7en, I’d call you a fucking liar. Because pizza is delicious.

And yet, that’s exactly what 41-year-old Mike Roman has pulled off, and he doesn’t look any worse for the wear.

We spoke to two nutritionists about how Roman might be pulling it off, and they were just as confounded as we were.

Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything

Sorry, the answer isn’t 42. You’re probably thinking of the other Ultimate Question. The one I’m referring to is, “Why does my asshole itch?” To which the answer is…