Another month, another Rock movie. This time: Rampage. That said, it’s not that different from all the other Rock movies that came before it. The world is imperiled — this time by a gigantic silverback gorilla, wolf and alligator — and the Rock saves it. But while that’s a fairly familiar tale, it’s also just one type of rock: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. What of actual celluloid geology? That is, the igneous, sedimentary and metamorphic precursors to the 10-time WWE champ and reigning box-office king. Because Johnson isn’t the only piece of granite to make an impression on screen. Here then are the rest of the rocks that have made cinematic history. While the list is by no means exhaustive, it’s definitely very solid.
The Thing in ‘The Fantastic Four’
Catchphrase: “It’s clobberin’ time!”
Can he get rock hard?: Interestingly, The Thing’s ability to use his, um, thing, is explored in one of the terrible Fantastic Four films that came out back in the early aughts when he romances a blind Kerry Washington.
Dumb as a box of rocks?: The Thing was always known to be a bit of a meathead, but if the origin stories of The Fantastic Four are to be believed, he’s a scientist as well.
The Rock Meter: 5. The Thing also has impressive physical prowess and a very famous catchphrase — if you smell what we’re cooking — but there’s not much in the way of charisma (despite his ability to woo Kerry Washington).
Korg in ‘Thor: Ragnarok’
Catchphrase: “I’m gonna start a revolution.”
Can he get rock hard?: Not sure about his erectile function, but he’s definitely prison hard as he’s seemingly been doing time in a Sakaar jail since the Rock Ages.
Dumb as a box of rocks?: Not at all. The Grandmaster’s arena isn’t for the faint of heart — or weak of mind. And not only has Korg survived many bouts, he’s also been able to finagle himself into a position of being the opening act before the true carnage begins. Not to mention, he’s quite astute — e.g., when he hears about Thor’s now shattered hammer, he innately understand that for Thor, the loss is similar to a loved one dying. Which is more than we can say for either Loki or The Hulk.
The Rock Meter: 7. Korg somehow finds a way to make the best of a shitty situation — a la The Rock during his WWE Nation of Domination days — jovially inviting anyone who enters the gladiator arena to join his revolution. He also steals just about every scene he’s in.
The Rock Biter in The Neverending Story
Catchphrase: “The nothing!”
Can they get rock hard?: Considering this character is part of a children’s movie, this question may not be appropriate. However if one were to consider it, The Rock Biter is one lonely guy. His whole community has been gobbled up by The Nothing, a black void that’s taking over Fantasia (the fantasy world he lives in), and in many ways, he’s the last of his kind. So basically, there’s probably not a whole lot of fucking going on.
Dumb as a box of rocks?: He does have enough sense to survive the calamity befalling Fantasia.
The Rock Meter: 6. The Rock Biter is a tragic character — and a bit of a cannibal as he subsists solely on rocks. But like the earliest days of babyface Rock — when he went by the name Rocky Maivia — he does care about those who are smaller than him, and is devastated that even with his humongous size, he simply couldn’t keep The Nothing from taking away his friends.
Gorignak in ‘Galaxy Quest’
Can they get rock hard?: This creature pops up when Tim Allen’s Jason Nesmith arrives on a desert planet filled with cute alien munchkins with razor sharp teeth. The Gorignak is their pet/protector, so it’s able to turn into a boulder as well as collapse at any moment on unsuspecting foes. This, however, doesn’t leave a lot of time for rock fucking.
Dumb as a box of rocks?: Most definitely. There’s a sloppiness to the Gorignak, which is big and girthy, but not very dexterous.
The Rock Meter: 0. This being is as un-Rock-like as a rock character can get, mainly because it never talks and exists only as a slave.
The Fallen Angels/Watchers in ‘Noah’
Can they get rock hard?: These beings are essentially fallen angels, made solely from light, that have crash-landed on Earth in order to help man. During this process, the rock and dirt from the Earth molded to their bodies. None of this, though — at least as far as I can tell — involves fucking. But I can imagine these rock dudes getting pretty horny over the course of human history. This could be why they’re so cranky when they meet up with Noah.
Dumb as a box of rocks?: Far from it. They’re highly intelligent beings whose only mistake was trusting man.
The Rock Meter: 4. Pros: They’re angels who had the benevolence to come to Earth to help humans — a heroic act of selflessness akin to the many heroes The Rock plays on-screen, from Rampage to San Andreas. Cons: They’re pretty big Debbie Downers.
The Boulder in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’
Catchphrase: “They see me rollin’.” (Not really, you candyass.)
Can it get rock hard?: No, but it does want to get on top of you.
Dumb as a box of rocks?: Absolutely. It couldn’t kill a human who was directly at its base. Useless.
The Rock Meter: 8. Both in terms of sheer force and box-office heft.
The Comet in ‘Deep Impact’
Can it get rock hard?: I mean, it’s all in the title.
Dumb as a box of rocks?: Obviously not, since it literally kills almost everything on Earth.
The Rock Meter: 0. Like I said at the start, The Rock saves the world, he doesn’t destroy it.
The Asteroid in ‘Armageddon’
Catchphrase: “I don’t wanna miss a thing!”
Can it get rock hard?: It definitely blows its load in epic fashion — with a nuclear weapon blasting it into bits before it can reach Earth.
Dumb as a box of rocks?: It’s more of a tease than anything. And a failure in terms of mass trauma — at least when compared to the Deep Impact comet.
The Rock Meter: 0. Again, for the last time, The Rock saves.
Salim Lemelle is a writer/producer on MEL’s daily Facebook series, TL;DR. He last wrote about the best un-assassin-like movie assassins.
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