Last week, Deadspin columnist Drew Magary touched upon a common, but often undiscussed, male behavior: When a dude invites a lady friend over to “just hang out” and “watch a movie” (top-secret guy code for “try to get his fuck on”), he often plays a film he’s seen countless times before:
If I’m having sex with the TV on, it’s not gonna be prestige TV. It’s gonna be something completely disposable and worthless, or it’s gonna be a movie I’ve already seen before (putting on an old movie you don’t REALLY need to watch again is a standard horny guy date move).
This practice is less acceptable than in its pre-“Netflix-‘n’-chill,” DVD era heyday, when your viewing choices were limited to whatever shiny discs you had on hand. It’s hard to justify watching a film you’ve seen multiple times before now that the entirety of cinematic history (more or less) is accessible from your Apple TV. That’s thirsty, man.
Yet the question remains: What’s the ideal date night movie? Choosing the right one is a delicate art, one that requires balancing several different factors — e.g., how long you’ve been dating, the ambiance you’re trying to cultivate and your date’s tolerance for gratuitous sex, violence and gore?
I plumbed the depths of Reddit in the hopes of finding a definitive answer, and sure enough, there a lot of people on there giving recommendations about which movies are best for not actually watching.
Oh, and whatever you do, don’t watch Antichrist. As several Reddit users attest, that movie will leave you feeling sexless for months (unless you’re into some really kinky shit, like genital self-mutilation).
‘Can’t Hardly Wait’
The Plot: Like many a teen sex comedy, Can’t Hardly Wait is the story of a group of horny youngsters trying to make good on their unrequited crushes at a graduation bash. The main story is actually a love triangle between the hottest girl in school (Amanda Beckett, played by Jennifer Love Hewitt); the lovesick loser who’s pined for her for years (Preston Meyers, played by Ethan Embry); and the douchebag jock who just dumped her (Mike Dexter, played Peter Facinelli). The best performance comes from Seth Green, however, who portrays Kenny, the white suburban doofus who relentlessly appropriates hip-hop culture. Problematic!
The Vibe It Gives Off: Like the annoyingly earnest Preston, I am endlessly caring man who will love you for all eternity, even if never even learn my name! (Also, I’ve been stalking you for the past four years.)
‘Crazy Stupid Love’
The Plot: Also known as the Ryan Gosling abs movie, Crazy Stupid Love is sure to inspire unrealistic expectations of chivalry and physically hotness among female viewers, and body dysmorphia among male ones.
Six packs aside, Crazy Stupid Love is charming and funny and provides legitimately helpful dating and relationship lessons for men. Jacob (Gosling) learns the thrill of seducing countless scores of women pales in comparison to having a genuine emotional connection with just one, and Cal (Steve Carell) learns a healthy marriage takes constant attention and maintenance, both of yourself and each other.
The Vibe It Gives Off: Beneath this rakish, well-coiffed exterior is a broken man who just needs love. Save me! (Subtext: I’m emotionally unavailable and talking to three other girls.)
‘10 Things I Hate About You’
The Plot: A teen comedy rendition of Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew, this film is about the heavily sought-after queen bee (Larisa Oleynik); her hostile, “less-attractive” older sister (Julia Stiles); and the social outcasts (Heath Ledger and Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who dare try to woo them.
This movie is fondly remembered by millennials, in part because it features a very young, very hunky version of the fondly remembered Ledger. But the movie itself is endearing and fun, and the soundtrack provides a nostalgic trip back to more innocent days of innocuous, pre-9/11 alt-rock.
The Vibe It Gives Off: I’m an insufferable, emotionally stunted manchild who harbors a grating obsession with the pop-culture arcana from my childhood. But what I lack in maturity, I make up for in student-loan debt.
‘Love, Actually’
The Plot: Bros have been in love with Love, Actually for years, presumably because they think it’s great for getting women in the mood for some old-fashioned, fireside, holiday-season fucking. Bros have even been known to refer to the holidays as “Love Actually season.”
This is bewildering because Love, Actually is actually depressing as all hell, and contains few examples of actual enduring love. The film starts with a man giving the eulogy for his wife, who just died of cancer. Another storyline follows a married man leaving his wife for his younger, more comely secretary (classic). In another, a couple’s burgeoning romance is undone by the woman’s inability to say no to her mentally disabled brother.
The most iconic (and insane) of Love, Actually’s storylines involves Mark (Andrew Lincoln) professing his undying love for his best friend’s wife in the corniest, most inconvenient way possible. What would have happened if his friend Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor), and not Juliet (Keira Knightley), had answered the door? Peter would’ve beaten Mark senseless, that’s what.
The Vibe It Gives Off: I may be basic, but Christmas-time is great for loving, nonetheless.
‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’
The Plot: Another head scratcher considering the film is all about a man trying to get over a breakup. Nothing says, “I love you” like a film about a man removing any trace of his ex-girlfriend from his memory, apparently.
Men presumably throw on this film so they can mansplain the neurologica nature of memory, expound on the genius of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman and come across as having refined taste.
The Vibe It Gives Off: I’m a total cuckboi.
‘Princess Bride’
The Plot: The most commonly recommended date night movie on Reddit is Rob Reiner’s timeless 1987 masterpiece Princess Bride. It’s the perfect date movie, as it strikes the perfect balance between romantic and comedic, silly and serious, fantastical and human. And there’s something for everyone: Giants, sword fights, dog-sized rats; an absolutely radiant Princess Humperdink (Robin Wright) and the equally dreamy Westley (Cary Elwes); the satisfaction of besting some self-impressed asshole in a battle of wits and Billy Crystal made up as some kind of troll-wizard.
The only potential downside is that if your date hasn’t seen Princess Bride before, she will probably slap your hand away when you make a move because she’s too enthralled.
The Vibe It Gives Off: I’m both funny and romantic. Also, if you ever want me to wear a Zorro mask in bed, I’m totally down.
