If you ever find yourself caught in the intersection of a food fight — which, stop hanging around middle-school cafeterias, creep — know that the edible ammo you employ can guarantee your victory.
Then again, not to be a buzzkill or anything, but everyone loses in a food fight, because wasting food is no joke, especially when you consider that Americans already waste approximately 150,000 tons of food each day while an estimated 815 million people are suffering from chronic undernourishment. Therefore, the only direction you should be propelling food in is toward your mouth or the mouths of others.
Nonetheless, I understand that food fights happen, often whether you want to be involved or not. So, to help you manage when the fare starts flying, I asked a bunch of foodies which foods they recommend yeeting around.
Grapes and Raisins
Both grapes and raisins have a decent weight to them and are small enough to chuck without making too much of a scene, making them the equivalent of a silenced pellet in a food fight. “They’re quick and easy,” says Letitia Van Husen, a lunch lady of 30 years. “You can throw them, and they’re small, so no one can really catch you.”
But while grapes and raisins make for good hurling, Van Husen says they also make for hard cleanup, another reason to reconsider engaging in food fights in the first place. “The janitor — one I used to work with — would say, ‘Do we have to have grapes?’ They were always all over the floor,” she says. So, when food fighting, make sure to consider who has to clean up your mess.
Moreover, Van Husen warns that anything much larger or harder than grapes and raisins could spell trouble. “The kids, actually, a couple weeks ago, were tossing around apples and watching them splatter on the floor,” she explains. “One came right through the dishwasher area and splattered underneath some countertops in front of a two-door freezer.”
Remember, an apple to the head could result in bloodshed.
Chilis, Salsas and Anything Saucy
If grapes and raisins are pellets, then chilis, salsas and sauces are edible grenades, splattering your enemy with a whole mess of food. “You want to go for something that stains or is hot,” suggests professional eater and food challenge extraordinaire Randy Santel. “I’d say chili or maybe some Mexican food that has salsa and everything on there. Anything that’s saucy, like ketchup or sloppy Joes.” He adds that pies with whipped cream, or anything topped with powdered sugar, like a brownie, can have a similarly messy result.
To that effect, JP and Julia, the creators of HellthyJunkFood, a YouTube channel that involves creating, cooking and eating all sorts of crazy foods, suggest ice cream, milkshakes and pudding; they’re similarly messy and add a cold factor that will freeze your enemies into oblivion.
Chips, Popcorn and, Erhm, Salad
JP and Julia also recommend “Cheetos, popcorn and chips of all kinds,” which can be scattered across the battlefield, no holds barred. Just grab a whole handful and let ‘em rip — surely, you’ll hit someone. Similarly, they recommend salad, “Mainly because it’s a salad and needs to be thrown.”
So, there you go: You have your hushed pellets, saucy explosives and scattershot munchies. “Just remember: Get your fix, then throw,” JP and Julia add. “You don’t want to regret tossing your lunch out before you’re thoroughly full and satisfied.”
And again, eating or giving is always preferable to accidentally hitting someone in the eye with a spicy raisin.
Ian Lecklitner
Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.
