The Baby-Carrying DILFs of Instagram, Curved Dicks and Donald Trump, the ‘Horseface’ Killah

I like a good insult as much of the next guy. But “horseface”? Really, Mr. President? That’s got to be the weakest shit ever. And, as Tracy Moore writes, such a self-own. What kind of doofus do you have to be to insult the looks of a woman you (allegedly) had sex with? And I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if there’s a single solitary MAGA bro who hasn’t masturbated to Stormy Daniels in the last 15 years.

But I digress. Let’s check out the cool shit we published today…

Must Read
“Inside the Thirsty World of Babywearing DILF Instagram”
Twenty, ten, even five years ago, the idea of toting your child around in a BabyBjorn might have given some fathers anxiety. “Is this me?” “Do I want to be that guy?” “What will the bros think?” But this is 2018, and as babywearing in general has become more popular, babywearing dads are becoming more common too — and objects of massive thirst on social media. READ MORE

Constitution, Schmonstitution
The Constitution was ratified in 1788, and besides the 27 amendments to the 230-year-old document, it hasn’t changed since. But a powerful right-leaning lobby funded by the Koch Brothers wants to hold a new Constitutional convention — at which the Constitution could be rewritten entirely — and it just about has the votes to pull it off.

Real Men Have Curves
Dicks are great, but curved dicks are the new hotness — at least, that’s what one might deduce based off of the chatter around a NSFW video of Safaree Samuels and his curvy dick that was posted back in February. Just check out the drool in the comments section of this tweet (video is really, extremely NSFW):

While the aesthetics of a banana-shaped wang might be worth arguing, what isn’t debatable is the potential sexual energy that extra curvature holds. Because there’s something to the idea that, depending on how the vagina, clitoris and cervix are positioned, a curved dick will feel better.

More Fitness, Less Bullshit
Go on fitness YouTube these days and you’re immediately inundated with crapola — quick fixes, miracle supplements and a general sense that slimming down and bulking up is as simple as three easy payments of $39.99. And if you’re a vlogger genuinely interested in providing realistic fitness tips and advice, cutting through all the nonsense is difficult. So instead a new breed of YouTubers are making videos that have a different aesthetic altogether — one that aims to be more accessible and inclusive.

Loose Change
No, I’m not going to tell you about the 9/11 conspiracy video. I’m talking about actual loose change. What is it good for? Adam Elder breaks down that question, along with what you’re supposed to do with all of it and what fate will befall our quarters, dimes and nickels (fuck pennies) long-term.

Working While Grieving

Currently, there are no federal laws that require employers to offer paid or unpaid leave for employees’ bereavement, and among states, only Oregon offers bereavement leave. That said, most employers are understanding of the need for at least a little time off if a loved one dies. But regardless, if you’re navigating how to grieve at work, it’s important to have a plan in place — like how to talk to your boss about it and what kind of awkward encounters with your coworkers you can expect.

Dogs: It’s What’s For Dinner
Okay, scale of 1 to 1o: How crazy would a dog owner have to be to make home-cooked meals for their woofer, when there’s perfectly fine dog food to be served? Turns out, not that crazy, considering some dog food has been found to contain pentobarbital, a barbiturate commonly used to euthanize dogs and cats. And you know what — *barf* — that implies.

Why The Long Face?
Did you hear that President Trump called Stormy Daniels “horseface”?

Classy guy, our president. But seriously, you ever think about where the insult comes from? I bet Stormy does, and so does Sarah Jessica Parker for that matter, considering they’re just two of the many women who have ever been hit with “horseface,” “why the long face?” and every other similar insult you can think of.

Gone, Baby, Gone

What possesses a man to go to Medieval Times, assault someone and then also skinny-dip with a monster of the deep? It isn’t booze or drugs, considering the man “did not appear to be intoxicated,” according to the general manager of the aquarium where the wet bandit went to swim with the sharks. No, there are some men who just want to watch the world burn — if only for one crazy “lost weekend.”

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Jeff Gross

Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.