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That’s My Fetish: Queer Women

An occasional series about men’s most intimate proclivities

Name: Paul
Age: 30
From: Northern California
Fetish: Queer Women

What turns you on about queer women?
I really love shaved heads, communist imagery, atypical gender presentation. It’s all real cool and interesting and most of all it represents a choice. If you see someone consciously choosing to present in a way that means the world is going to hassle them, you know that they have principles they’re willing to stick up for. That’s hot in and of itself. Building on that, I have struggled a lot with my gender and sexual self-expression.

Femmes obviously 100 percent have it harder, but being a male in a male-dominated society gives you all kinds of fucked up ideas, and then tells you “don’t question these or you’re a bitch,” and then you’re always wondering: am I the problem that I was raised to be?

When did you first realize that queer women in particular were the people you were most attracted to?
I had someone get on my tits about a woman I was dating who shaved her head. He was like, “She looks like a dyke.” And I was immediately all, “Why would that be a bad thing, you fucking weirdo.”

Yeah and also, oh, go fuck yourself. How old were you?
I want to say 17 or 18. Sounds about right.

Tell me a little bit about your dating life. Do you find it’s easy to meet the kinds of women you’re interested in being with? Why or why not?
Oh yeah. I mean, I’m in a really, really gay part of the world, which is great. More and more people are open with their preferences and presentation, and more and more people are learning they have the right to call people out for their misogyny and male horseshit.

I mean, I’m not particularly bright, and even I am learning the language of acceptance and mutual respect. More people are taking the time to do that, and that’s great. So you meet an increasing number of people, especially through social media/dating apps, that aren’t afraid to be like, “I’m a feminist femme with gay space communist politics,” and it’s like well knock me down with a feather.

So once you’re dating a queer femme, give me a sense of what your sex life is like.
Well, sex lives are sex lives, you know? The real advantage of being with queer femmes is that they tend to know what they like and they can communicate that to you clearly, which gets you to the good-relationship-sex place way faster than playing find the clitoris with someone who doesn’t know their own body and doesn’t want to learn.

Do you have an especial interest in classic “lesbian” sex acts like eating pussy or using strap-ons?
Haha, yeah, of course! That shit rocks. Although come on, it’s 2017, anyone interested in fucking women who doesn’t eat pussy is probably combating a deeper issue.

As far as lesbian relationships, I’ve found that there’s a weird reverse unicorn situation going on sometimes. I’m sure you’re familiar with the term unicorn?

Yes, but why don’t you go ahead and explain it in your own words.
Well, the typical unicorn thing is the “straight couple looking for a hot bi chick for threesomes,” aka the world’s most boring and tokenizing possible treatment of queers.

Sorry if that’s overreaching. I just really hate when people do that; it’s such a bad look.

But anyway, reverse unicorn: I know a fair amount of lesbian or bisexual folks who still retain a fondness for masculine expression even though they are in a healthy relationship with another woman, femme or otherwise. Which, if we’re all friends and it’s all above board, is just great. You get to really indulge being a mindful male — because generally, women in this position are Just Real Real Sick of Male Bullshit already — and they will call you out, which is a great way to learn and grow close with someone.

Plus, depending on the couple, you get to indulge in this “Male as monster/male as partner/male as other” dynamic, which is so interesting.

Via Flickr.com

Also I bet the sex is spectacular.
Ha, well, yes.

I was gonna phrase it all smart but it came off as heteroshaming, so let me just say that people who really know themselves are the best partners and people who really know each other are the best partners for open-relationship shenanigans, whether they’re both interested in a male side-chick or not.

I gotta say, you’re mostly coming off as very wise.
If I am wise now, it is because I was truly, breathtakingly stupid when I was young.

What advice would you give to straight men who are interested in dating/fucking/loving queer women?
Well I’m hesitant to say, because men should be listening to the women in their lives way more than to other men. I guess the biggest thing I’d say is reexamining your own biases and watching for your privilege showing. When you get called out, don’t stalk off in a huff. Listen and be told.

There is no such thing as a good man. There is only a man being good. Be good every goddamn day to everyone: That’s the bare minimum you owe God and yourself. And when the opportunity presents itself, thank your lucky stars and treat her like a person.

The real “patriarchy hurts everyone” stinger in the tail here is if you treat people well, you will be infinitely happier and more successful in relationships than you ever will be ceaselessly iterating some masturbatory fantasy of male power and control over women.

Okay so this was the best and we should definitely have sex someday. You’re just my boyfriend’s type.
The highest possible compliment to get out of an interview.