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Stormy Daniels, the Presidential Penis and Whether or Not Sex Workers Should Kiss and Tell

2010 was the deadliest year for U.S. troops in Afghanistan according to news sources. That same year, I had a bunch of clients who were Marines who hired me to fuck them in the ass with a big black dildo. I met them in generic hotels by LAX or at Camp Pendleton, and I penetrated them next to empty pizza boxes — the smell of greasy, stale pepperoni and Axe body spray in my face.

Some of my Marines were married and shy. Others were tipsy and loud and tried to leave hickeys on my boobs. When people asked me what I did for a living, I’d smirk and say, “I work for the federal government.” In a way, it was true. While 469 troops were killed in combat that year, I fucked the pain away at home. I never, however, consented to keep their secret, which is why I’m telling you this now.

When men hire women or pay them off for a handjob, sex, lap dance or domme session, they assume sex workers will scurry away in silent shame with their secrets and money tucked away, but they’d be wrong.

Now, it’s not that we talk a bunch of shit — we don’t. When you grind on boners by the three-minute song for a living, talking about dick is like a baker talking about flour. But now and then we do share information in passing if it’s helpful. For example:

  • “That guy’s ATM card got declined.”
  • “That crazy guy is too rough and handsy.”
  • “That dude’s a timewaster.”
  • “Get security. Jerry’s drunk and annoying.”

In other words, we generally talk about safety and money between clients — unless a guy smells like dog ass, that’s a fair warning to a friend.

All of which brings me to Stormy Daniels. This week it was reported that Daniels in her upcoming memoir, Full Disclosure, described President Trump’s penis in graphic detail. In particular, she describes it as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.” “He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels continues. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool. … I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart. … It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

We can reasonably surmise by her comments that Trump is an unappealing man and that Daniels had consensual sex with him because she hoped to get an opportunity to appear on The Apprentice. As an entertainer, Daniels was simply doing her job, which is transactional and sexual in nature. I especially love, though, that she’s no MeToo token. She refuses to be seen as a tragic figure and is open about being a sex worker and a mom. She’s also hilarious on Twitter. She teases trolls right back and even thanks them for their help promoting her shows and her book.

Most importantly, Daniels didn’t shut up and go away in a culture where powerful men consume women and then try to dispose of their bodies — and at a time when people still assume it’s okay to shit on sex workers. Daniels confronted Trump about covering up their affair right after he signed SESTA and FOSTA, the most damaging anti-sex worker legislation in decades as it shut down websites like Backpage where sex workers safely screened their clients. Similarly, sex workers have been shadowbanned on Instagram, and our profiles and websites have been seized by the FBI. And yet, Daniels, a sex worker, has become among the most important people in America by refusing to take shit from anyone while she’s told her truth.

So my problem with Daniels describing Trump’s dick isn’t that she broke some unspoken sex worker code about staying quiet about our john’s pubes— or who we’ve slept with (and how he/she liked to be fucked). It’s that by sharing these kind of below-the-belt details, she’s lowering the national discourse even further, which is what Trump wants more than anything.

I get it. Trump is a provocateur. Daniels got sick of being called a liar. It’s a completely human reaction. In retaliation, she described Trump’s dick in such pornographic detail, we cannot look away. She wanted to tell the truth, to set the record straight.

The thing is, we believed Daniels from the start, and so, her voice is being diluted and cheapened by her admittedly funny, but ultimately self-defeating and childish Mario Kart/Toad/mushroom/Yeti pubes references, distracting from the things that are paramount: consent, reproductive rights, discrimination, systematic misogyny, racism, blatant sexism, and most of all, safety—for both sex workers and all women.

I’ve heard that sometimes the smartest way to win a feud is to refuse to play, but it’s too late for that. The bait has been taken, and we’re in the gutter now with the mushroom dick.

Point for Trump.