Thingswelearned_Spider

Slap Some Spider Venom on Your Dick for a Better Boner

And four other things we learned about our bodies this week

The human body: An inspiring biological work of art? Or a meaty sack of germs and fluids? Either way, there’s still a lot we don’t know about what goes on in there — and scientists are constantly attempting to find out more. Here are the most interesting things we learned about our bodies in the last seven days…

We’re Closer Than Ever to a Working Spider-Boner

But do not, I repeat, do not allow a spider to bite your dick. Scientists studying deadly Brazilian wandering spiders — which have a bite that causes victims to experience a painful, prolonged erection (up to four hours!) before they possibly die — have long believed that the chemicals in their bites could eventually lead to a treatment even more effective than Viagra. But now they’ve actually refined the toxins, adding them into a gel that led to prolonged erections in early trials, and perhaps more importantly, didn’t kill the participants. All together now:

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Bites a dick
Any size
Watches it
Begin to rise
Oh God
Please stop that, Spider-Man

Influencers Are Making Your Kids Fat

That internet is scary, blah, blah, blah. But in all seriousness, researchers recently studied kids who’d been randomly split into three groups and shown artificially created, but realistic looking, Instagram profiles featuring some of the most popular YouTube vloggers. One group was shown a profile featuring a YouTube influencer with unhealthy snacks, another was shown the same influencer with healthy foods and the final group was shown an influencer with no food products at all.

Then, the kids were offered a platter of snacks to choose from, including unhealthy snacks, like candy, and healthier choices, like grapes and carrots. Children who saw the profile with unhealthy snacks consumed 32 percent more calories from the unhealthy portion of the platter and 26 percent more calories in general than those who were shown a profile without any food products. When it came to the kids who were shown the profile with healthy foods, they ate no more carrots or grapes than those who saw the profile without any food products.

All of which means, marketing unhealthy foods to children totally works, but marketing healthy foods to them is apparently completely useless. Woo!

Dog Sperm Is Dying Off, Too

We already know that humans are experiencing a sperm crisis, but according to new research, dog sperm is totally fucked, too. The researchers explain that the chemicals in our homes and in the food we eat could very well be behind this massive decline in male fertility rates, none of which is the least bit surprising considering our food is mostly crap, and dog food is even worse. But hey, at least when humanity inevitably dies out because our sperm is ruined, we can rest assured knowing that a bunch of good bois will follow us directly into the afterlife.

Surprise! Weed Legalization Made Everyone Eat More Cookies and Ice Cream

That’s according to a new study, which found that chip sales increased 5.3 percent, cookie sales climbed by 4.1 percent and ice cream purchases increased by 3.1 percent in the aftermath of legalization. “The increase in sales starts at the time of the legislation becomes effective,” said the findings, published in Social Science Research Network. The snacking surge has since decreased slightly for ice cream and chips, but not for cookies, according to the results. To that, I say, well, what’d you expect?

Practice Makes Perfect, Unless You Practice Too Hard

Practicing guitar is the only way to get better, and practicing running is the only way to get faster. However, a new study found that practicing too hard — that is, to a point where you feel fatigued — actually impedes your ability to improve. “We have shown that learning in a fatigued state results in detrimental effects on a person’s ability to acquire a new skill,” concluded senior author Pablo Celnik, Director of the Department of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. “Our observations should be considered carefully when designing training protocols such as in sports and musical performance, as well as for rehabilitation programs.” The takeaway? Be workin’ hard, but not that hard.