Reddit user methadone_cyclone has been putting an egg in his ass since he was a teenager. Now 22 years old and a junior in college, he’s got it down (or, I should say, up). Of course, there were a few scary moments along the way.
His preferred sex toy’s ovoid shape makes it easy to get stuck. “If I do sense it getting kind of deep, I know to push it down to the safe zone without pooping it all the way out,” he tells MEL, adding that he’s also learned to “put some kind of leash on it like a condom to prevent [my] eggsplorer from getting lost in the darkest of darknesses.”
But that’s part of the appeal. “Half the fun is the fear of it getting sucked up into your bowels,” he adds. “There’s something really kinky and dirty knowing you’re ignoring the ‘exit only’ sign, so the trick is to yo-yo it at the right spot for maximum pleasure, and it takes a lot of concentration to make sure it doesn’t go past the point of no return.”
And it’s all worth it. “It’s called the male G-spot for a reason,” he adds. “Regular orgasms are nothing compared to a prostate orgasm.”
To many straight guys, the prostate is a mystery: They won’t even consider a lick of outer anal play, not to mention getting fucked by an egg. They’re aware they’re denying themselves pleasure, but too embarrassed and uptight to venture deeper. Just how powerful is methadone_cyclone’s brand of prostate play? And what exactly is the “point of no return” he talks about?
What Happens When Your Astronaut Drifts Away
According to Dr. Carla Cork, a physician in Indiana, “men may gain sexual gratification by having their prostate massaged or stimulated externally or internally.” If you need proof, see exhibit No. 1: guys who ejaculate during their prostate exams. Prostate stimulation is fun and recommended for those willing to try — but of course, there are risks to consider if you play recklessly.
That is, you should get a handle on it. Literally.
“Self-stimulation with inanimate objects can often result in the inability to retrieve the object from the rectal cavity,” Cork continues, explaining methadone_cyclone’s astronaut metaphor — and the reason for articles like “22 Objects People Have Actually Lost in Their Ass.”
Cork says when things get lost up there, “medical personnel must perform some type of active methodology to remove the object.” That can be tough: According to WebMD, “one of the big problems with trying to remove an object from the rectum is that there is a strong suction between the object and the rectum walls.” Thus, generally, patients who require intervention are sedated before removing the object via placing “a tube between the object and the wall of the rectum to try to equalize the pressure,” or full-on surgically removing the object in the operating room.
After surgery, doctors will perform a sigmoidoscopy, which is basically sticking a camera up your anus to make sure you didn’t tear or infect anything, which can lead to further and much more dangerous issues.
It’s for this reason that Dr. Cork says most physicians “would not recommend anyone place any objects in the rectum due to high risk of perforations or inability to retrieve them — especially sharp objects that cannot be wielded safely under one’s own control.”
“The rectum is designed to be one-way traffic,” she adds, conceding that she encourages anyone who does use sexual toys “preferably [built with] a long handle and where no object will be dislodged or released into the rectum requiring manual retrieval… [and] to clean their devices to protect from forming fomites and other potential disease-causing particles.”
Finding the Right Prostate Toy
Though methadone_cyclone adds that he finds it “pretty easy to keep it close to the exit,” he doesn’t recommend others do it. “I can’t really say at what point it becomes difficult to get it back out, I assume that’s different for everybody. I don’t think trying to ‘keep it within reach’ would really work since your fingers aren’t gonna be what you’ll rely on for getting something out of your ass. As long as you can push it out, you’re good.”
Seeing as my asshole already has enough trouble with outgoing traffic, I reached out to my friend Cooper — a writer in Chicago who asked to be referred to as my “ass correspondent” — for further guidance on prostate play.
“Don’t use a fucking egg,” he begins. “It is literally the perfect size and shape to end up in your intestine.”
Sometimes it feels so good you don’t pay attention, he explains, “so the best option is always an actual sex toy, specifically one with a plug, for anal, because you can lose vaginal dildos up there too.”
Cooper adds that such toys do more than safeguard against getting lost up there; they “can do fun stuff like vibrate.” But he admits that not everyone has such toys on hand. “If you’re going to use something else, phallic veggies like carrots or cucumbers work marvelously, but really if it’s long enough that you can keep a good grip on it, it’s probably doable.”
Cooper is right: Using something without a handle or suction is the only situation you’ll have to worry about “the point of no return.” Even methadone_cyclone admits “it’s pretty unwise to put anything up there that could get lost.”
Start Slow — And Use Lots of Lube
Once you’ve got a clean, smooth toy with a long handle, methadone_cyclone advises not to “jump straight into the deep end: Use plenty of lube, start small and don’t push on anything too hard to try to get it in. You might hurt something.”
Cooper also recommends you have some lube on hand. “Lots of it, water-based and non-flavored, ’cause the flavored kinds can give you a yeast infection.”
Worried about a mess? He also says you should take a shower beforehand and make sure you’ve completely evacuated your bowels. “Make sure you don’t, like, need to go, and you should be fine,” Cooper says.
Methadone_cyclone adds that if “if you’re really scared of coming into contact with your own poo, then you can give yourself an enema,” but he doesn’t recommend it. “There usually isn’t anything more than residual poo in the parts of your rectum you’ll be exploring.”
Beyond that? You’re good to go. “Just be patient: It’s gonna hurt a little bit,” Cooper explains. “Try to consciously relax your anus as you go. Be cognizant of how deep you’re going, although this is more easily said than done when you’re in the thick of things.”
“Depending on how hard you went, you might have a looser rectum than usual: i.e., bad fart control,” Cooper explains. But that should only last “for a few hours, and you might see a little blood when you use the bathroom, but nothing major.”
“Pooping should be just fine. There’s no lasting discomfort,” methadone_cyclone adds. “Ever seen some pics of the goatse guy? I think his name’s Kirk Johnson and he’s got a page on Pornhub. He stretches his ass far beyond what I thought was physically possible (you’ll have to see it to believe it), but claims he still has a normally functioning poop chute.”
After all this, if you’re still questioning whether you want to try solo ass play for the first time, Cooper concludes with a glowing endorsement: “Most of the time it’s easier to just rub one out like normal, but ass play is a lot more pleasurable than normal jacking. If you can find the right angle, it’s like a constant hum of orgasm, like the blue flash at the peak. The point where you close your eyes and nothing else exists. Just peak orgasm… but lasting for minutes.
“That’s really the main perk. It’s probably just fun to try something different too. If you’re really into anal it can also be a kind of personal challenge to see just how much you can stuff up there, but that’s almost a fisting thing. I knew a guy who likes to use traffic cones.”
Solo play is “essential with any partner, penis or vagina,” Cooper concludes. “I endorse ass play for straight men more as a way for them to break gender roles and terrible hetero sex in the bedroom.”