Coachella has become more of a social event than a music festival. When you’re there, it doesn’t take long to realize this; I attended this year’s first weekend, using it as an opportunity to take the temperature of the male contingency of the fest with a simple questionnaire. Thankfully, six good sports allowed me to prod into their festival experience. I’ll never be able to think about Calvin Harris the same way again.
Name: Kevin
Age: 36
Hometown: New York City
Where I found him: Outside the Yuma tent
On a scale of 1 to 10, how fucked up are you right now?
Twelve and a half.
What drugs are you on?
Lemme go in order: Bloody Maria, Michelada, a lot of tequila, rocky road chocolate mushrooms that I made myself, molly and moon rocks.
What are you wearing?
This t-shirt that is supposed to be a joke, but I keep getting compliments on it. [It’s a shirt that says “Brentwood Tennis”]
Have you gotten laid yet?
Yes.
Best thing you’ve seen so far?
A French vagina.
On a scale of 1 to “I would let him blow me,” how much do you like Calvin Harris?
I have blown him.
Name one person you would fuck in a Porta-Potty.
Nico Evers-Swindell.
If someone offered you a free artist’s pass but in exchange you had to stay sober for the whole weekend, would you do it?
Yeah.
How much money did you spend to be here?
It doesn’t matter to a fuckboy. Money’s no object.
What’s your recovery game plan?
I’m planning on coming to Weekend Two, so there will be none.
Name: Joseph
Age: 26
Hometown: Santa Fe Springs, California
Where I found him: Outside the Do Lab
On a scale of 1 to 10, how fucked up are you right now?
Eight.
What drugs are you on?
I smoked a little bit of weed, drank alcohol, and in an hour I’m gonna take a molly.
What are you wearing?
Clothes. Who cares?
Have you gotten laid yet?
No. It’s hard to get laid at Coachella because we’re all dirty and shit.
Best thing you’ve seen so far?
Snoop Dogg coming out with Ice Cube.
On a scale of 1 to “I would let him blow me,” how much do you like Calvin Harris?
Six.
Name one person you would fuck in a Porta-Potty.
Alex Turner.
If someone offered you a free artist’s pass but in exchange you had to stay sober for the whole weekend, would you do it?
Only if the person was Alex Turner or Miles King.
How much money did you spend to be here?
I spent like, $375 for the parking and the camping pass, plus another $300 just to spend here.
What’s your recovery game plan?
I’m just gonna go to work.
Name: Thomas
Age: 32
Hometown: Los Angeles
Where I found him: In the VIP section, waiting for Sia to come on
On a scale of 1 to 10, how fucked up are you right now?
Seven and a half.
What drugs are you on?
Mushrooms, coke, molly, a little bit of weed, some vaping, a bunch of cigarettes and like, 14 or 15 beers.
What are you wearing?
[He is shirtless.] Pusha T came out at Baauer and I ripped my shirt off.
Have you gotten laid yet?
No.
Best thing you’ve seen so far?
A chick doing eight cartwheels in a row.
On a scale of 1 to “I would let him blow me,” how much do you like Calvin Harris?
I would blow him.
Name one person you would fuck in a Porta-Potty.
Matoma.
If someone offered you a free artist’s pass but in exchange you had to stay sober for the whole weekend, would you do it?
Sure, sure, sure.
How much money did you spend to be here?
Zero. My brother paid for all of it.
What’s your recovery game plan?
Sleeping, Xanax, a lot of weed, some meditation, maybe some YouTube videos to make me feel better about myself.
Name: John
Age: 28
Hometown: Los Angeles
Where I found him: In the Rose Garden next to the Sahara tent.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how fucked up are you right now?
[He stares at me for six seconds and laughs.]
What drugs are you on?
Molly, mushrooms, Red Bull and juice—AKA alcohol.
What are you wearing?
A shirt I got at this little store on the Venice boardwalk, Levi’s. These sick Vans.
Have you gotten laid yet?
No, but I fucking wish!
Best thing you’ve seen so far?
DJ Koze smiling back at me as a thank-you. I saw him and I go, “I really liked your set” and he went, [smiles].
On a scale of 1 to “I would let him blow me,” how much do you like Calvin Harris?
I would blow the fuck out of him.
Name one person you would fuck in a Porta-Potty.
Name one person I wouldn’t fuck in a Porta-Potty.
If someone offered you a free artist’s pass but in exchange you had to stay sober for the whole weekend, would you do it?
I already have an artist’s pass [laughs].
How much money did you spend to be here?
Like $750.
What’s your recovery game plan?
Nachos.
Name: James
Age: 26
Hometown: Los Angeles
Where I found him: The food court by the entrance.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how fucked up are you right now?
Ten.
What drugs are you on?
Just stuff. The best stuff.
What are you wearing?
A tank top and shorts. And this hat so the sun stays off my face.
Have you gotten laid yet?
Besides the hands? No.
Best thing you’ve seen so far?
Disclosure.
On a scale of 1 to “I would let him blow me,” how much do you like Calvin Harris?
I’m gonna ignore this question. I do love Calvin though.
Name one person you would fuck in a Porta-Potty.
Taylor Swift.
If someone offered you a free artist’s pass but in exchange you had to stay sober for the whole weekend, would you do it?
No.
How much money did you spend to be here?
Oh only … $500 or $600.
What’s your recovery game plan?
Emergen-C.
Name: Ryan
Age: 27
Hometown: Costa Mesa, California
Where I found him: In the VIP section next to the main stage.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how fucked up are you right now?
I am not fucked up at all.
What drugs are you on?
I am on absolutely nothing besides water. I’ve had two cigarettes, a bunch of chicken that I made myself and asparagus that I friggin’ barbecued in butter, baby.
What are you wearing?
You gotta put it out there to get it back, so I’m wearing a shirt with my company’s logo on it.
Have you gotten laid yet?
Today, no. Yesterday, a couple times.
Best thing you’ve seen so far?
These amazing people that I’m sitting with, giving me cigarettes and smiling.
On a scale of 1 to “I would let him blow me,” how much do you like Calvin Harris?
Calvin Harris is actually the only artist I wanna see. Even though he is like, the arch-nemesis of my music community, I still am open-minded enough and respect him enough as an artist to want to see what he does so that I can have my own consensus and then spread my own consciousness about him.
Name one person you would fuck in a Porta-Potty.
Do you count?
If someone offered you a free artist’s pass but in exchange you had to stay sober for the whole weekend, would you do it?
I guess. Tit-for-tat I guess.
How much money did you spend to be here?
I snuck into this motherfucker and I’m not gonna spend one dollar the whole time I’m here because I’m against parties that cost money.
What’s your recovery game plan?
Surround myself with other people that pulse positivity, and we will harmoniously slip into a transcendental state and grow from that together.
Lara Marie Schoenhals is is a contributor at MEL. She’s here for the music.
More from Lara on MEL:
- My Summer of Love and Jam Bands
- Carma Sutra: An Illustrated Guide to Vehicular Coitus
- Astrology for Dudes
