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Men Sure Invented a Lot of Things to Satisfy Their Forbidden Desires

We’ll come up with any reason to touch each other (without admitting that we want to)

Necessity, they say, is the mother of invention. But men also like to innovate around problems that don’t exist. Why do we need art that can only be purchased with cryptocurrency? Is there any good reason to “replace” meals with expensive liquid supplements? How many times will a tech startup pitch a new concept that’s just… the bus? Love that energy, but c’mon, guys.

The point is, a dude will go far to avoid acknowledging some basic realities — like their desire for intimacy with fellow men. Once you start analyzing their hobbies and passions, however, you notice how these pursuits are mere pretexts for engaging one another on the closest terms. The truth began to unravel in October, when TikTok user @habitchuela posted a short clip of herself “thinking abt how men invented golf bc they’re too scared to ask each other to go on walks.”  

Funny joke. Or is it? 

The earliest origins of golf are somewhat debated, and I can’t think of a more probable explanation of how it came to be. Dudes wanted to be outside, together, in their leisure time. The justification: They had to hit little balls into holes. Plus, the holes were really far apart, so playing the game could take all day. Darn, more hours enjoying nature with the boys!

Golf, of course, isn’t an isolated case. There’s no end to the nonsense men have invented with a hidden agenda in mind. Every sport you care to name is a clever front for homoeroticism.

Wow. No wonder playing in Little League during puberty felt so intense! Given how successfully our “athletic” interests covered our mutual physical attraction, it’s no surprise that men have applied the strategy elsewhere to rationalize their emotional connections. Even dynamics that seem hostile on the surface — rappers trading diss tracks, for example, or gamers spewing insults over their headsets — portray a deep hunger for man-on-man stimulation and discourse.

By now you’re wondering if all of civilization has been structured as it is to satisfy the unspoken and apparently taboo yearnings of men, and the answer is yes, obviously. That is, the meme pretends to be uncovering a secret that was never actually concealed: Men do a lot of stuff with the express purpose of socializing within the boundaries of their own gender. All-male clubs and organizations are a glaring example, but the same principle applies to the group of dads who crowd around the grill at a backyard barbecue. Even if the concept of “cooking meat” didn’t arise from the impulse to bro down, we have successfully attached that motive to it.

It’s hard to say which is more impressive: man’s creativity or his sense of denial. It’s 2021, the culture is broadly permissive, and yet we cling to outdated models for acting on masculine urges to hug, talk or simply vibe. If we wanted to, we could turn private golf courses into public parks and write epic verses about how cool our besties are. Habit alone has thwarted this utopia. Gentlemen, throw off the shackles of virtuosic and convoluted design to reclaim your genuine selves. At last our lies have outlived their use. We’re not fooling anyone, anyway.