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Boys Just Want One Thing, and It’s to Move to Alaska

Fellas, let’s leave it all behind and get back to the wilderness

Problems: we’ve all got a few or more. But imagine if you could start over, with none of the baggage? Man, that’d be swell. Just you, living off your wits, at the edge of the civilized world…


I realize what you’re about to say, so let me stop you right there. I’m aware it’s cold in Alaska. That it’s dark half the year, more isolated than I can possibly understand and full of man-eating grizzly bears. I’ve seen reality TV on the brutal wilderness and fishing seasons — I’m not fazed. What could make a guy feel more alive! Deep down, every dude has the cunning and fortitude of an arctic survivor. It’s genetic. But most of the time, I’ll be chilling in my cozy homestead. 

Sure, some Alaska-bound fellas are talking big and don’t have what it takes. I, however, am ready to reinvent myself. Need to do it. I already live on the West Coast, so, according to the principles of American frontiership, there’s only one place left to go: north. Portland and Seattle are metropolises teeming with white-collar betas — my path must continue. But Canada? Too much paperwork. I’m pushing all the way to the limit. Like the explorers of old, or the one hiker who hung out in that abandoned bus. I won’t rest until I can see Russia from my own rocky shore.

Don’t tell me I’ll never get there; it merely strengthens my resolve. Fellow men, you know how it is. We’re stubborn, headstrong, willful and lots of other synonyms that mean the same thing. Good luck keeping us out! And once we’re there… it’ll be paradise. The bounty of earth at our fingertips, and no girlfriends to nag us. No need to “take the trash out” — throw it right on the ground. No internet connection? Fine. I’ll download the favorite Bon Appétit recipes beforehand. I’m sure AAA will put snow tires on my Volkswagen Jetta. Gonna be awesome to meet the Indigenous people there. I’ve heard they love when white boys show up in Carhartt beanies

Can you believe it took me this long to pack my shit and greet destiny in the great beyond? Me neither. Say, you should write a letter when you can. No telling if they have phones in Anchorage. Enjoy climate change, bitches! I’ve heard it won’t be an issue for us Alaskans. 🙂