Article Thumbnail

Congress Needs to Quit the Key Bumps and Start Blowing Rails

Rep. Madison Cawthorn says drugs are rampant on Capitol Hill — but are they rampant enough?

Newsflash! Extra, extra! Capitol Hill has been rocked by claims from conspiracy theorist and alleged sex pest Rep. Madison Cawthorn that other, much older legislators have invited him to orgies and snorted cocaine in his presence — specifically, “key bumps” of the illicit drug.  

Wow. Cawthorn struggles to tell the truth in any setting, and what he said there is catnip to a QAnon fringe that believes Washington, D.C. is basically one big Eyes Wide Shut freak show, but sure, let’s take him at his word this once. Not because we believe him, but to relish the idea that some far-right geezer mutants are getting zooted for group sex. Although, wait: If I hear Cawthorn correctly, all he witnessed was the coke use. Which I suppose means it’s happening not just at ritzy townhouse events but in and around the hallways of power.

People are now hung up on the phrase “key bump” itself as, well, the key to understanding what’s going on here. I could easily join in and reminisce about the first time I tried cocaine — which was, indeed, off a key — and even the disastrous attempt at a four-way hookup that followed. But I am not a duly elected official, and this anecdote would be yet another self-indulgent distraction from the matter at hand. If the older leaders in Congress are in the habit of doing bumps, it might explain 1) why they never fucking retire; and 2) how they seem incapable of anything besides short bursts of yelling on topics of no material relevance.

Personally, I’m not interested in holding anyone to account for their booger sugar, either legally or on the level of “moral hypocrisy.” All I ask is that the addicts who run the country stop dicking around and start blowing rails so they can actually get shit done. You’re familiar with the traditional “candy desk” in the U.S. Senate, where various sweet snacks are kept? Dump out the chocolates and fill it with marching powder. It should look like Tony Montana’s dining room table in Scarface. I want these people so wired that they can actually read a 500-page bill before voting yea or nay. Won’t have to worry about term limits if we can induce regular heart attacks!  

Oh, come on. It’s too pathetic (though unsurprising) that nobody invited Cawthorn to a party or trusted him to keep their coke-sniffing a secret. Perhaps, by dragging this into public view, he’s saying the time has come for dramatic change — an avalanche of fine, clean snow. And I agree: Anyone who can’t hoover it up like a cartel kingpin has no place in federal government. Bumps are for broke hipsters splitting a $50 bag. We, the people, are going to lock you in your chambers with a metric ton of yayo, and you’re not coming out until you pass universal healthcare. Then, and only then, you can use the benefits to go to rehab. 

You’re welcome.