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Like Breast Implants Before Them, It Turns Out Ass Implants Cause Cancer, Too

And four other things we learned about our bodies this week

The human body: An inspiring biological work of art? Or a meaty sack of germs and fluids? Either way, there’s still a lot we don’t know about what goes on in there — and scientists are constantly attempting to find out more. Here are the most interesting things we learned about our bodies in the last seven days…

My Dream of Becoming a Badonka-Dude Is Ruined, Because Apparently, Ass Implants Cause Cancer

A new report by surgeons at the University of California suggests that ass implants can cause an extremely rare — and extraordinarily deadly — form of cancer called anaplastic large cell lymphoma. They document the first known case of what they’re calling gluteal implant-associated anaplastic large cell lymphoma. Admittedly, this is only one diagnosis, but given that ass implants are a relatively new phenomenon, we can probably expect to see much more of it in the future. In fact, the devastating condition was previously associated with breast implants, too. Because of how rare the disease is, the exact cause remains unknown, but even still, this news is obviously worrisome, and my flat ass will forever be sad about it.

New Parents Never, Ever Sleep… Not Even Six Years Later

In news that every parent ever can confirm, researchers at the University of Warwick in England recently discovered that new parents experience reduced sleep duration and satisfaction for SIX FUCKING YEARS after having a kid.

If You’re Unhappy and You Know It, Go to the Fucking Park

That was basically what researchers at the University of Alabama concluded — in more scientific terms, of course — after studying the impact of park visits on our emotional well-being. They found that spending a mere 20 minutes at the park makes people happier by reducing their stress and allowing them to recover from mental fatigue — whether or not they engaged in exercise while there. “Overall, we found park visitors reported an improvement in emotional well-being after the park visit,” said lead author Hon Yuen in a press release. “However, we did not find levels of physical activity are related to improved emotional well-being. Instead, we found time spent in the park is related to improved emotional well-being.” Goodbye antidepressants, hello see-saw!

No Amount of Alcohol Is Healthy, No Matter What the Studies Say

We all love seeing headlines about how slamming cans — or downing a couple of glasses of wine every night — might actually be good for you, but another recent study says that’s all a bunch of bullshit. That’s apparently because these studies tend to enroll people older than 50, and studying people at that age eliminates everyone who may have died earlier in life because of alcohol consumption.

In simpler terms, “deceased persons cannot be enrolled in cohort studies,” the authors write. “Those who are established drinkers at age 50 are ‘survivors’ of their alcohol consumption who [initially] might have been healthier or have had safer drinking patterns” compared with others.

If Your Cat’s a Dick, You Probably Are Too

Researchers in the U.K. recently found that the personality traits of cat owners actually correlate with similar behaviors that are exhibited by their pets, which suggests to some extent that your cat could be copying you. “Many owners consider their pets as a family member, forming close social bonds with them,” study author and animal welfare researcher Lauren Finka explained to The Telegraph. “It’s therefore very possible that pets could be affected by the way we interact with and manage them, and that both these factors are in turn influenced by our personality differences.”

All of which makes me grateful for being allergic to cats, because if I’m being honest, a little cat version of myself sounds terrifying.