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Some Unsolicited Advice for Divorce-Mode Kanye

You got this, buddy

What’s up, Ye? It’s me, that white dude who always rides for 808s & Heartbreak. Fantastic album. Remember that sound? You could bring it back if you wanted. Just a thought.

But that’s not really what I’m here to discuss. I’d like to offer some advice, one non-famous divorced guy to a nearly divorced rap legend. Everyone, yourself surely included, knew that a public split from Kim Kardashian — and her family’s inescapable celebrity brand — would be kind of A Lot. Granted, I can’t begin to imagine the pressures that come with unwinding a marriage when you have several young children, the paparazzi dogging your every move and a towering reputation in a fickle music industry to worry about. This distance, however, gives me some crucial perspective. It’s how I knew, for example, that your palling around with Donald Trump would not go over well in the culture, or that a tweet you read as Whiz Khalifa targeting your wife was actually a post about his favorite strain of cannabis. So hear me out, please.

First off, you seem to be dating actress Julia Fox. Hell yeah, brother — you’ve got an A+ revenge rebound there, and she’s hyping you in all the right ways. As a bonus, the fans are crediting her with your turn away from religious songs. So why the photo shoot on the second date? You’re doing too much! Let it breathe! The splashy, attention-grabbing media spread just shows you’re still living in the Karashians’ world. It’s a strategy we’d expect from the mother-in-law you memorably called “Kris Jung-Un.” Pretending to keep your steamy romance “under wraps” would hit harder.

Then you have your latest song, “Eazy,” which features a verse from the Game, samples Eazy-E’s 1988 classic “Eazy-Duz-It” and finds you channeling a gangster side. Wonderful! Except you threatened to “beat Pete Davidson’s ass.” That’s… less good. Promising violence against the guy your wife is dating — particularly when he’s a comedian who probably weighs 110 pounds sopping wet — is the sort of behavior that gives divorced guys a bad rap. Again, it’s Pete Davidson. You could wait six weeks for Kim to get sick of the dude and pass him off to, I don’t know, Charlize Theron. The only favor the line does for you is distract from the part where you complain that your kids are too spoiled. Not sure if anyone has made you aware of this, Ye, but you actually bear a certain responsibility for how your own offspring are raised!

Bro, come on. I feel ridiculous saying this to you of all people, but: You do not have to go to Russia and meet Vladimir Putin. We’ll consider looking the other way on the whole “buying the house across the street from Kim’s to win her back” thing — let’s chalk it up to a billionaire’s notion of healthy co-parenting — if you desist from the geopolitical adventurism. We don’t want to wake up one day and find out you’re complicit in an invasion of Ukraine. Couldn’t you go back to hanging out with Elon Musk, or turn the newest Yeezys into NFTs or something? Doesn’t matter how cringe it is, we’ll file it all under “divorce era” and move on. Please, we understand it’s been a rough time (for all of us, truly!), and the temptation to go extreme is higher than ever.

However, Ye, you have the resources and talent to do this right. Instead of becoming the same old stereotype of a bitter ex-husband, you could be the Best Divorced Guy Ever. By all means, enjoy your freedom. All I’m saying is that a little chill is critical right now, and if you can show the world that it’s possible to separate from your spouse in a civil, healthy way that doesn’t involve mounting a summit with a repressive autocrat in order to seize the headlines, well, so much the better for everyone struggling with similar heartbreak. And hey, some more 808s won’t hurt.