Lockdowns and social-distancing measures had many effects in 2020, but none so immediate as the restriction of, well, places to be. You weren’t going to the office, couldn’t hang out at friends’ houses, probably canceled a vacation or two and avoided the restaurants, bars and movie theaters that managed to stay open in one way or another. I became more intimately familiar with every corner of my one-bedroom apartment than I would have thought possible.
Point is, you have to make the most of every room in the home. And, like a lot of people, I have a habit of sitting on the toilet and scrolling on my phone for longer than it actually takes to use the toilet. (I also prefer to sit while peeing, which adds to my opportunities for such idle time.) It dawned on me one day in the midst of this pandemic — probably after my girlfriend Maddie demanded to know if I was ever coming out — that I had been spending ever more minutes in the bathroom, as if I was trying to get my money’s worth. Some of this was due to increased grooming, or new attention to skincare routines, but just as often I was chilling in my towel after a shower, or, naturally, on the toilet. So, now and then, I started taking a beer in with me.
A toilet beer.
As you can see, I didn’t invent the toilet beer, which was the inevitable byproduct of the exceedingly popular shower beer. But it’s a fringe habit to date, seemingly enjoyed by a small handful of unabashed redditors and Twitter users. Maybe the taboo around consuming food or drink while discharging waste from your body is still too strong. But there’s nothing distinctly unhygienic about cracking open a cold one on the can. If you can drink a beer while doing something, it’s worth trying, and that applies to pretty much everything you do in the bathroom. Why leave your beer next to the couch because you need to take a leak? Bring it with. It’s obvious you’re gonna lose half an hour tinkering with that fantasy football lineup anyway.
When you don’t have a ton of square footage to work with, you need to make every inch count. Think of the bathroom as a smaller living room — but also a private retreat or man cave — with lots of convenient amenities. You don’t have to “go to” the bathroom when you’re hanging out in it, because you’re already there! Freshen up or rinse off if you like. Trim your pubes. But also: listen to a podcast, watch TV and check in on your favorite meme accounts. All with a favorite beer as your companion. Trust me, it’s as suitable as any context in which you’ve had a tallboy. Life is short; are you telling me you want to waste it on the toilet without a fitting beverage?
In the future, our entire virtual society will be seamlessly integrated into the structure of our bathrooms, eliminating the need to ever leave the toilet. Until technology catches up, it falls upon us to realize this utopian vision as best we can. Buy yourself a 12-pack, pull down your pants and savor the taste of luxury as king of the castle.
Just don’t forget to wash your hands.