ICYMI: What Your Favorite French Fry Says About You, Smoking to Stay Thin and Eyelash Perms

Hot take: McDonald’s french fries are trash. Same for Shake Shack’s crinkle-cut fries and curly fries in general.

A grease-fire-level take: In-N-Out has the best french fries not made in small batches and/or cooked in duck fat. For those of you who’ve never been to In-N-Out, ignore anyone who tells you otherwise. When you finally walk through those double doors for the first time and order, remember to ask for your fries “well done.” And don’t dip them in ketchup like a plebeian, ask the nice people behind the counter for three packets of “spread” (or their version of thousand island dressing). You can thank me later.

In the meantime, here are today’s best stories…

Must Read

“America to Him: A Conversation with ‘Hoop Dreams’ Director Steve James About Race, Class and Chicago”
America to Me, the new docuseries on Starz from Steve James, spends a year embedded in Oak Park and River Forest High School, a suburban Chicago-area school with a healthy mix of white and African-American students. Much like James’ seminal work, Hoop Dreams, America to Me delves deep into the politics of race, class, education and community. Tim Grierson spoke to James about the series, what the national media gets wrong about Chicago and the one incredible scene he chose not to film. READ MORE

The Great Outdoors

What are you doing still working out at gym? Get your dips and your squats done outside, like nature intended. Here’s why you should at least consider it:

Pros

• It’s free. No more forking over $175 a month to Equinox for the pleasure of drinking their cucumber water.
• You’ll produce more Vitamin D, which will help prevent diabetes, depression and a host of other maladies.
• The sunshine will make you happy. No, seriously, it will—that’s science.

Cons

• The weather doesn’t always permit.
• No machines. Or weights, for that matter.

I dunno, sounds worth it to me.

Who Do You Think You Are, Mother Teresa?

Boy Scout. Champagne liberal. Holy roller. Nerd. Whatever your preferred pejorative, the sentiment is the same: No one likes a goody two-shoes.

Crinkle-Cut Madness

1995: Challenging a fellow shopper to a fight on Black Friday over the last Beanie Baby.

2018: Threatening the owners of a restaurant in Maine because they had the audacity to try to save some money by changing their french fries from crinkle-cut to straight.

WTF is wrong with people.

The Lung Cancer Diet

Keto is a cool diet and all, but have you tried smoking a pack a day to stay thin? We spoke to a few male smokers who admitted that staying thin was a factor in their refusal to quit. (If you’ll please excuse me, I’ve gotta go punch myself in the face repeatedly.)

Fan-tastic

Good news for anyone worried that electric fans can make you sick—and in the case of South Koreans, strangle you in your sleep: Blasting yourself with a fan at night isn’t bad for you.

Bat for Lashes

Holy shit, this is incredible: There’s an actual thing where your eyelashes grow inward toward your eye, obstructing your vision as well as causing all sorts of nasty eye irritations. It’s called trichiasis, and contributing writer Chris O’Connell had it. After years of crusty, goopy eyes he could barely see out of, and after failed DIY efforts and a suggestion from a doctor to get corrective surgery, O’Connell finally tamed his nasty lashes with a simple fix: An eyelash perm.

Without a Net

You know what keeps me up at night? The thought that I might turn 65 without having saved a dime toward retirement. And I’m not the only one:

So what’s a broke-ass millennial to do when they reach retirement age? Well, let’s just say it’s something similar to “get fucked.” But seriously, there are a few things you could do, like:

• Make a budget so that you know how much you need to live on. (And how many bread sandwiches you’ll be having for dinner.)
• Sell your home and rent instead. (If I only had a home.)
• Move to a cheaper town or state. (Oklahoma is the new NYC!)
• Move in with someone: A sibling, your child or strangers. (Fuck.)
• Barter for work or offer your skills for cash. (I can fix things!)
• Drive for Uber until you keel over and die. (RIP)

Here’s some advice from a certified financial planner to help you avoid putting yourself in the pickle described above.

Speaking of Getting Old…

At what age should you not try each drug for the first time? Let’s break it down:

Marijuana: Never too old. Pass me the J.

Acid: People over 65 years have a higher risk of psychosis. Sorry grandpa, the only tripping you should do is a weekender down to Florida.

Cocaine: There’s no age at which cocaine is safe. That, uh, being said, hypertension is more likely after your 45th birthday.

Mushrooms: Never too old. I recommend you make tea.

Molly: Much like cocaine, the risks go up around 45 to 50 years old. However, that hasn’t stopped MDMA from becoming increasingly popular with the middle-aged crowd.

Get into the nitty-gritty on what each of these drugs are doing to your body, and at what age, here.

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Jeff Gross

Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.