Looking to catch up on everything you missed this week, but unsure where to start? Well, did you know that the older you get, the more your muscles pack a punch? That’s because “Old Man Strength” is a real thing, and it’s one reason why you shouldn’t pick a fight with your elders.
Also, maybe take it easy on really, really, really good-looking people—their lives, while filled with easy sex and modeling jobs, aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. In fact, there are a lot of misconceptions about life as an exceptionally handsome person, according to men cursed with the affliction.
If you’re looking for a good cry, check out our eulogy for the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin. Aretha had knack for making grown men weep like a baby—just ask Obama—and you’ll probably be tearing up, too, when we’re done with you.
Or, just sit back, relax and read some of the week’s top stories…
“The Best Thing About the WWE Right Now Is the Guy You Hated on ‘The Real World’”
Who is “The Miz”? You might know him as Mike Mizanin, the bad boy from The Real World: Back to New York and perennial Real World/Road Rules Challenge contestant. But it’s not his time in reality TV that’s so interesting—it’s his career since then, as a pro wrestling “heel,” and his transition from the most hated man in the WWE to one of the sport’s most beloved assholes. READ MORE
“My Year Without a Nose”
Nobody willingly gets their nose cut off. Except, apparently, actor Steve Bean Levy. Doctors removed his in 2016 after months of chronic nose bleeds led him to discover that he was suffering from sinonasal squamous cell carcinoma, aka nose cancer. At least after two years of endless surgery, radiation and chemo, his sense of humor is coming back — even if his nose isn’t. READ MORE
“The Cultural History of the Fanny Pack”
According to news outlet after news outlet after news outlet, the fanny pack is back, and it seems that we have Kendall Jenner to blame. Sure, most of us might have hoped fanny packs would simply stay dead, but their resurgence now affords us the opportunity to dig into their origin story and how they won the war against pockets. READ MORE
“The Rise (and Slouch) of the Casual Office Bastard”
Do office dress codes even exist anymore? Just last week I saw a guy in my office wearing shorts and Tevas with socks. For every dude who accidentally crosses the line by wearing a tank-top at the office, there are a dozen more pushing the envelope. There’s now a name for this type of employee: The Casual Office Bastard. And he’s officially here, whether you’re ready for him or not. READ MORE
Five Things We Learned This Week
- Taking revenge against someone will likely make you feel worse over time. But in the short-term? That shit feels fucking good, y’all. If you don’t mind feeling like crap later on, by all means, get back at that guy who torpedoed your promotion.
- You can cheat on someone, and still love them. In fact, cheating often doesn’t signify that there’s anything wrong with the relationship, but instead with the cheater.
- If your mechanic uses scare tactics like “you shouldn’t drive this home,” it’s a sign he might be trying to rip you off. But! If you haven’t gotten your car serviced since Obama’s first term, they’re probably not being dishonest—quite the opposite, in fact.
- If you’ve ever experienced a headache after a long day’s work, blame the A/C. Air conditioning, while luxurious, is a common cause for summer illnesses. Cold, dry air constricts the blood vessels in our noses, giving viruses a safe place to take root.
- If you’re even a reasonably famous and you visit a strip club, tip well, and follow the rules. That is, if you don’t want to end up getting put on blast on social media. Dancers have no problem at all calling out shitty customers—they’ve done it before, and they’ll do it again.
The Week in Quotes
You think your experience going through TSA security is annoying? For trans people, it’s downright oppressive. Having a body part where the full-body scanner doesn’t expect one sets off an alarm (what the TSA now calls an “anomaly”), and it often means a secondary search and an anxiety-inducing pat down. Thankfully, a newly reintroduced bill may bring back a shred of dignity to air travel for transgender passengers.
There’s kinky, and then there’s imagining you’re 50 feet tall. Or Godzilla. Or any other rampaging monster who wants to fuck. And if you want to get the best bang for your city-flattening buck, there’s no construction material that’s better for crushing while having sex than gingerbread.
Apparently, neither the star nor the director of The Meg, the summer’s hottest B-movie about a killer shark, thought the movie was all that good—merely “okay.” And for one massive reason: The studio’s cuts removed almost all the blood. For directors with final cut, that might have been a deal breaker, but for Jon Turteltaub, the end result was “meh” enough that he didn’t seem to really mind.
Quick: Does the above quote describe A) someone on steroids; or B) just a guy trying to prevent himself from going bald? If you answered B, you’re correct. Whoever said going on Rogaine would be easy definitely never rubbed Rogaine atop their own dome.
And Now a Word From You, Our Readers
Are we ready for a black James Bond? Perhaps, though, that’s the wrong question. The real question is, why the hell should anyone want a black guy being associated with all the things Bond stands for—indiscriminate killing, colonialism and all the hallmarks of toxic masculinity?
Some of us so are terrified of the eventual pull of gravity on our testicles that we seek out advice on how to keep the whole sordid affair from ever happening. Meanwhile, others, like the gentleman above, are shall we say, far less concerned.
Okay, shameless plug. But I love my cat, and I’m not going to sit idly by while some so-called “writer” places him and his brethren outside of the Top 5 in a ranking of pets most capable of returning your undying love and affection. I WON’T STAND FOR IT.
The Weekend Binge
Planning on seeing Mile 22 with Marky Mark this weekend? Well, before you go, I’d highly recommend you read our taken on the movie. You’ll never see the rapper-turned-underwear-model-turned-actor-turned-cinematic-everyman the same again. And if our review puts you off the movie entirely, don’t worry: There are plenty of films with “mile” in the title. Or “inches”—or any other type of distance measurement for that matter. That’s why you wanted to see Mile 22 in the first place, right?