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ICYMI: The Broken Lives of Skateboarders, Trump’s Paper Diet and Getting High on Rogaine

I don’t have much, but what I do have, is hair. Lots of it. On my head, I mean. A normal amount everywhere else.

I share this personal factoid if only to say I’m probably going to be spared (fingers crossed) the choice between baldness and the incredible list of hair-restoration products—the most famous of which is probably Rogaine. In my formative years, Rogaine was the go-to punchline any grade-schooler worth their salt used when they were bagging on a classmate’s thin, wimpy hair. Oh, you used a “momma” joke on me??? Well, at least I don’t need Rogaine.

Boom. Outtahere.

But despite all the jokes at Rogaine’s expense, it wouldn’t have hung around all this time if it didn’t, you know, work. I mean, it has to work, right? Why else would a man—in our case, writer Josh Sky—put up with all the physical and mental side effects, if it was simply snake oil for desperate bald men?

What side effects you ask? You’re going to have to click to find out! But first, here’s everything else that was fit to print today…

Must Read

“The Acclaimed Documentary About Skateboarding, Domestic Violence and the Men Trapped in the Cycle of Abuse”
Life as a skateboarder has always projected a grimy brokenness—it’s a street thing, there’s a glaring lack of parental observation, the gang-like mentality—and, as it turns out, many skateboarders do use skating as an escape from abusive homes. That’s the theme of Minding the Gap, a powerful new documentary from Bing Liu, a 29-year-old filmmaker and skater who also adds his own personal story of domestic violence to the doc. Watch the trailer, and try not to cry. READ MORE

Mmmm, Delicious Paper

Donald Trump likes to eat paper? I used to do the same thing in the third grade, except instead of secret notes from Michael Cohen about where all the bodies are buried, mine were about frenching during recess and addressed to “Claire.” Regardless, we’re going to go right ahead and believe this White House leak because:

  1. We want to.
  2. We’re skeptical that Omarosa, the paper-eating witness, would conjure up such an odd and precise fabrication.
  3. Trump is a paranoid criminal with a pile of old shoelaces where his brain should be.

Read all about Trump’s grease-soaked note snacks, and the rest of paper-eating history here.

No Quarter For Old Men

You know what I love to watch online? A good street fight, preferably one in which a random bystander yells, “WorldStar, yo.” You know what I like even more than that, though? An Old Man street fight—two septuagenarians throwing hands in front of the retirement home.

So what the fuck is wrong with me? A lot.

Don’t Cheat on This Test About Cheating

Most people know dick-all about the goings on in an affair. So I’ve developed a little true/false quiz to test your knowledge—just don’t be a douche and read Tracy Moore’s piece on cheating myths before your start, k?

  • People cheat because they’re not getting any. True or false?
    Answer:
     ǝslɐℲ
  • It’s the only time they’ve cheated, they swear. True or false?
    Answer:
     ǝslɐℲ
  • Your partner is cheating with someone way hotter than you. True or false?
    Answer:
     ǝslɐℲ
  • Cheaters are trawling the internet or bars for a lover. True or false?
    Answer:
     ǝslɐℲ

Okay, you get the idea. You probably failed anyway, though. Get five more common myths about affairs here.

If Your Shit’s Not Together by Age 27…

Excited Chris Farley GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

…you’re totally fine. I’m 34, and I live in a one-bedroom apartment with my cat. Am I freaking out? Hell no. Or at least, I stopped freaking out once I read this piece on the age at which we should have our shit together.

Pssst… Want to Get High?

Hey there, bald amigos! Have you tried Rogaine, recently? Spray a whole can of the stuff on your head, and the side effects will fuck you up—headaches, mood swings, a throbbing scalp and much, much more—but at least you’ll have some luscious locks.

Things That Are Killing Your Butt: A List

  1. Sitting too long.
  2. Spending too long on the toilet.
  3. Pooping too much.
  4. Not pooping enough.
  5. Biking to work.
  6. Long hours in the office.

At this rate, we’re all going to have pancake butts. Here’s why working in a modern office, with its on-staff baristas and free lunches and massages, is hell on our asses.

Too Long, Didn’t Read

Does a dead loved-one in a casket make you want to tear off your clothes and fuck? No? Well, don’t hate the player—hate the fact that grief makes some people horny.