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Incels and Kavanaugh K-I-S-S-I-N-G in a Tree, Your Dick v. Baking Soda and the Vegan Midlife Crisis

What a time to be alive, folks. It was hard to get work done today considering I was glued to my computer watching Christine Blasey Ford get grilled about her travel habits, and Brent Kavanaugh grill Amy Klobuchar over her drinking blackouts.

Up is down, time is a flat circle, etc., etc.

Personally, I’m unsure what to make of it all, other than it will undoubtedly precipitate outrage and consternation across the political spectrum, both of which will manifest themselves in Gozer the Gozerian and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, respectively.

I’m so tired.

Thankfully, we’ve got a bunch of cool shit to read today. Check it out.

Must Read

Incels Are Obsessed With ‘Virgin’ Brett Kavanaugh

Earlier this week, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, accused of multiple instances of sexual misconduct, claimed in defense that he was a virgin in high school. Now, a moderately intelligent person might react by asking, “what does that have to do with anything?” But after seeing the shit Kavanaugh received for this “revelation,” the similarly-ridiculed incel community has claimed him as one of its own. READ MORE

Performative Sobriety

Ever hear of “Drynuary,” or its younger, newer brother, “Sober for October”? These “sober months” are the new hotness for people trying not to appear like drunken tire fires. Take a month off from drinking, the thinking goes, and your liver will thank you.

But is that actually true? We asked a scientist at the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism to lay out the pros and cons of the sober month.

Scrubba-Dub-Dong

Would you clean your dick with baking soda, as Tiffany Haddish recently suggested? The comedienne seems to believe that “soaking your dog” in the stuff will cure any odors or itching, but alas, we were skeptical. So we asked a urologist, and he said that cleaning your peen in baking soda wouldn’t result in the desired effect. Except, he said it way, way more professionally:

Get the full scoop on baking-soda dick, and what actually might work, here.

You’re a Loser, Baby…

…according to your baby. No seriously, toddlers as young as 20 months know the difference between winners and losers, and they like winners more. So the next time you let your wife out-flank you in an argument, think of the children.

Nothing Says ‘Midlife Crisis’ Like Sports Cars, Vegetables

It’s a well-worn trope that men in their 40s go out and get an earring, arm candy and something fast and sexy the moment they feel their advancing age coming on strong.

But less well-known is the other thing they’re apparently doing: Eating their vegetables. And unlike the new Corvette in the driveway, more roughage makes a lot of sense.

A Cage Match Made in Heaven

The unnatural union between professional wrestling and reality TV is being consummated right under our noses. First, there was “the Miz,” aka Mike Mizanin, who parlayed his 15 minutes of fame as a heel on MTV’s Real World and The Challenge into a highly successful career in the WWE. And now we have Ring of Honor’s Kenny King, who’s signature move is being one of your girlfriend’s favorite Bachelorette contestants.

You keep using that word…

It’s been a wild day on Capitol Hill, from Ford’s gut-wrenching testimony, to the effect Ford’s drink of choice was seemingly having on Wall Street. Something we noticed, however, was the line of questioning during Kavanaugh’s testimony regarding the terms “Devil’s Triangle” and “boofing,” which stem from the nominee’s use of them in his high school yearbook.

Kavanaugh defines them as:

Devil’s Triangle: A drinking game (lol)

Boofing: Flatulence (Ayyy lmao)

Surprise, surprise, we here at MEL have written extensively on both topics. They do not mean those things. They, ahem, have a different meaning altogether:

Devil’s Triangle (aka, the Devil’s Threesome): The configuration of one woman and two men (MMF) in a threesome. The two “horns” involved represent Satan’s, or possibly reference the devil’s forked member. Alternatively, a much simpler explanation considers the fact that potential male-male sexual contact is anathema to heteronormativity.

The Taboo of the ‘Devil’s Threesome’

Boofing: Another word for an alcohol enema, aka “butt-chugging,” though the word has been co-opted by bros with a different liquid in mind.

Chugging, Boofing and Railing: All the Insane Things Hungover Bros Are Doing with Pedialyte

The more you know!