Late last week, the emoji illuminati — aka the Unicode Consortium — unleashed their annual dump of new emojis onto an expectant populace hungry for new ways to not use words. Included in said dump were 230 freshly pressed emojis containing a whopping 171 variants for gender and skin tone to better represent human diversity. And for the first time ever, symbols to represent disabilities and disabled people were included, a much-needed update whose impact made the fact that Unicode also unveiled a falafel emoji about 100 percent less interesting.
But let’s get to the real story here — which of these illustrious new emojis can you use to sext? There aren’t quite as many phallic or suggestive emojis in this year’s release as there have been in the past, but I have to say, there are some real shiny sex gems in there. Such as…
Small Penis Hand
Intended Use: A “small amount.”
Sexting Use: Alerting your friend you just had sex with a micropenis (or that you want to pinch their nipples).
Used in a Sentence: Eggplant + small penis hand + explosion = “I just had fire sex with a tiny dick man.”
My Advice: I don’t care what this emoji is actually called — it’ll always be “small penis hand” to me (and the rest of the world). Look at this thing — there’s no context more fitting for this work of art than describing someone’s nano-endowment (or implying what the handjob it was given looked like). However, this emoji has come to symbolize far more than little weiners — certain internet Nostradamuses have even predicted this emoji may change the course of sexting forever — just think how many dick pics and fragile male egos it’ll shut down.
Intended Use: Blood, menstruation.
Used in a Sentence: Pointing finger + okay symbol + period droplet = “Care for a round period sex?”
My Advice: This charming addition to Unicode’s lineup of unidentified fluids has been winning the hearts of period activists and aficionados everywhere thanks to its not-so-subtle resemblance to a drop of period blood (its description on the Unicode site is literally “menstruation”).
Intended Use: An earnest celebration of shellfish.
Sexting Use: A cringeworthy, deep sea and occasionally offensive stand-in for “pussy.” Many labia owners resent their parts being compared to seafood, so don’t throw this one around unless you know you’ve got a receptive audience.
Used in a Sentence: Licking tongue + oyster + rain on umbrella + prayer hands = “Thanks in advance for going down on me later.”
My Advice: Oysters do a pretty bang-up labia impression in real life, so it’s not hard to imagine how this emoji might be inserted into your filthy text sessions. Who knows — it might even overtake the taco as your keyboard’s most gastronomically offensive vagina. Pair it with the period droplet above, and you’ve got yourself an evening.
Intended Use: Garden-variety kneeling, nothing to see here.
Sexting Use: “I want you on your knees.”
Used in a Sentence: Cucumber emoji + person kneeling + meteor + face with exploding head = “This dude’s blowjob blasted my frontal lobe into another dimension.”
My Advice: There are already dozens of ways to represent oral sex in the emoji dictionary, but this emoji takes things into more specific waters by implying positionality, and in some cases, a power exchange — in BDSM, kneeling often represents submission (though it can also be a position of power depending on the context).
Intended Use: Innocent underwater recreation/fish visitation.
Sexting Use: Going “down,” going “deep” or butt motorboating.
Used in a Sentence: Peach + snorkel + watch = “It’s butt-snorkeling time.”
My Advice: If you thought your precious summertime snorkel gear was immune to my ability to sexualize inanimate objects, think again — “butt snorkeling” is an actual sex move and this snorkel emoji is its badge of honor. According to Urban Dictionary, butt snorkeling involves sticking your face “into the crack of a voluptuous booty” so that it “surrounds the face in an air-tight seal, the way a normal snorkeling mask would.” Okay, then!
Melting Ice Cube
Intended Use: Ice, cold, iceberg.
Sexting Use: A handy stand-in for anything hot, wet or melty, some 9½ Weeks ice-cube sex, or “I need to take a cold shower after this soulless, wordless emoji exchange.”
Used in a Sentence: 2 melons + melting ice + wind + excited person with hands over their head = “Kim Basinger my nipples.”
My Advice: So, there you are, sexting with what’s-her-face and things are heating up. An eggplant emoji and multiple panting tongues have been employed, and you need a way to say, “This is some fire digi-talk, my bud,” without using words or neurons. What do you do? Drop this melting ice cube into the conversation. Assuming you’re not talking about sea-level rise, it works nicely as a visual symbol for temperature puns or moisture-related statements like, “I’m wetter than a tray of unfrozen ice.”
Man/Woman with Probing Cane
Intended Use: Accessibility, blind, people with canes, disabled.
Sexting Use: Conveying a desire to explore someone’s holes, consensually cane them or letting your best friend know you just hooked up with a tripod.
Used in a Sentence: Man/woman with probing cane + hole in ground + back symbol + door + alien head + father = “Probe my behind, Daddy.”
My Advice: On the surface, this one looks like exactly what it is — a much-needed symbol for the blind or visually impaired. However, when considered through the pervert-tinted glasses of someone looking to send a more indelicate message, it’s a person holding a perfectly good orificial probe or BDSM cane.
That, or it’s a person with a really, really long appendage.
Intended Use: It’s supposed to be Saturn, but do I look like I care? (Uranus has rings too).
Sexting Use: Anything and everything anal-related.
Used in a Sentence: Man/woman with probing cane + ringed planet + water droplets = “Let’s get this anal probe show on the road!”
My Advice: It’s not Uranus, but it’s not not your anus, either. ‘Nuff said.