How to Remove a Pee Stain: An Analysis of Tony Romo’s Damp Bulge

In the Super Bowl’s greatest display of power to date, CBS Sports NFL analyst and former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo brandished what appeared to be a small but almost perfectly circular pee spot during his halftime appearance.

Just as 96.4 million viewers were wondering what a seemingly bashful Romo was concealing behind his hands — his $180 million contract, perhaps? — the pigskin trouper raised them up to reveal an impressive dark stain on his otherwise light gray slacks.

Speculation about the spot immediately ran rampant online. Could it have been mayonnaise? Grease from a chicken wing? Perspirant from a soda can? We may never know for sure, but going by my professional analysis as a man who pees, it sure looked like a pee spot.

• Read Next: How to Pee Without Splashback, According to a Physicist

While a peepee speck is nothing to be ashamed of — as nice guy Billy Madison once said, “You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants” — there are still a few things “Pee Spot” Romo could have done differently to avoid displaying a damp bulge on national television, beginning with prevention. As a urologist previously explained to us, pushing on your taint can help nudge any lingering pee from your pipe, then shaking or dabbing with a square of toilet paper can remove any excess from your head. Peeing while sitting down can also help to fully empty your bladder. 

That said, given Romo’s role as an analyst for the biggest game of the year, we can safely assume that he was in a rush while peeing and skipped over any precautions he’d normally take. Nonetheless, he still had several other options to avoid attention once the pee spot had already occurred:

• Run Away and Never Come Back: Romo’s net worth is $70 million. He doesn’t need to be on TV with a pee spot!
• Cover It Up: In a more casual scenario, one could wear a hoodie or jacket around their waist to camouflage the stain. In Romo’s situation, that may have been a dead giveaway, but it probably would have been better than the actual outcome.
• Spill Something Else on His Lap: Nobody would be talking about Romo’s wizz marble if he’d poured Pepsi on his lap and said, “I spilled Pepsi on my lap.”
• Use the Hand Dryer: Romo may have been short on time, but a quick dab with a paper towel and 30 seconds under a hand dryer could have dried that moisture right up.

Then again, If Romo had done any of that, none of us would know how cool he is.

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Ian Lecklitner

Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.