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How to Get Rid of Soup

All your possible soup disposal methods, from perverted to Puritan

Once you carve out all the good hunks of your Thanksgiving turkey, what are you gonna do with the remains? Throw them in the trash? I’ll kick your ass if you even think of it. A large bird DIED for that meal, you better use every last bit of it. If there’s one piece of wisdom we should cling to from 1621, it’s the old New England concept of “Waste Not, Want Not,” and in practice, this really only translates to one thing: Making soups out of food scraps. 

Soups are basically the final frontier of leftovers. When it’s no longer feasible to make a meal out of your food remains, you can just toss it in a big pot of water. 

But then, what do you do when you need to get rid of that, too? 

Soups, as much as I love them, are a cumbersome genre of consumable. Part liquid, part solid, soups have no obvious place in usual trash receptacles. If you try to pour it down your sink, you’re just gonna be left with a drain full of mushiness. If you try to put it in your trash bag, you’re gonna be left with a trash bag full of soup, which needs no explanation. 

So what freaking gives? 

If you had a garbage disposal, you wouldn’t be here right now, but now isn’t the time to lament our shared misery of lacking home appliances. Now is the time to get rid of your soup. According to the Godless perverts of the world, the toilet is the answer. “I put it in the toilet, then you don’t have wet meat and veggies rotting in the trash,” says ItsGermany on a Reddit thread on the topic. Logically, this does seem like the easiest solution, so long as there are no bones in the soup. Nevertheless, the mere concept of soup in a toilet is so abject I dare not encourage it. 

If, like me, you’re existentially repulsed by toilet soup, there are some alternatives. Easiest among them would be to use a strainer: Simply pour the soup into the strainer over the sink, let the liquids drain away and then toss the remaining solids into the trash. If you don’t own a strainer, well, you should probably grow up and get one. But in a pinch, you can vaguely DIY it: Redditor dkbuzy recommends the following technique in the aforementioned thread: “Put a dirty plate or saucer over the bowl and turn it over the sink to let the liquid run out. Scrape the remains into the bin.” 

Of course, with that method, you risk accidentally dirtying your hands with old soup, which is up there with trash bags and toilets gurgling with ripe soup in terms of disgust levels. Ultimately, I recommend what my Pilgrim ancestors probably would have done, and just tossing that shit into the yard. The plants will love it! 

You may attract raccoons or something, but honestly? You’re welcome.