In its entire nearly one-year history, MEL has never previously endorsed any presidential candidate. Now, however, as November hurtles ever closer and America teeters on the brink of utter catastrophe, our Editorial Board can no longer stay silent.
This country is dangerously close to electing one of the ugliest presidents of all time. After eight years under perhaps the most attractive president in American history, we cannot afford to backslide into a bewigged Cheeto darkness. No: We should, we must further President Obama’s legacy of being pretty dang cute, especially by politician standards. That’s why MEL unanimously endorses Hillary Clinton for president.
(Some of you will make the case that John F. Kennedy — not Barack Obama — was the hottest U.S. president; in fact, JFK’s alleged hotness is a common misconception, which MEL chalks up to some sort of collective ‘60s acid trip or fever dream.)
Let’s take a step back and look at how MEL came to this decision, which we do not make lightly. No; we pondered every possible option, in significant depth.
As the MEL Editorial Board almost exclusively comprises millennials, we first considered airheaded Libertarian darling Gary Johnson. Some MEL staffers conjectured that Johnson, an avid mountain climber, might once have been hot, perhaps at some point far in the past. Extensive Google image searching, however, revealed otherwise. Gary Johnson has never been hot. Gary Johnson is, we reluctantly conclude, totally busted. We would not hit that. We would advise that no one hit that. We will not be voting for that.
Next up: The Green Party’s Jill Stein. Stein has really ramped up her personal style in 2016; she now sports sharp suits and objectively great hair. Jill Stein would not be an unattractive American president. However, archival resources suggest that young Jill Stein, while undeniably good-looking, was no young Hillary Clinton. Also, Jill Stein hates wifi. MEL relies on wifi. Not hot.
Before we get to the MEL endorsement, we must of course address the unspeakable jaundiced Minion in the room: Donald J. Trump. You know all these facts, so we’ll revisit them only in brief: His spray tan makes John Boehner look like Wednesday Addams. His hair situation defies human understanding. His mouth looks like a butt. His mien is bone-chilling to behold.
Donald Trump also constantly mocks and belittles other people’s looks — even, especially, those infinitely hotter than himself. This makes him seem all the more disgusting by comparison. Do we really want a president who famously called Angelina Jolie “not a great beauty”? First, that sentiment is frankly un-American. Second, you know who’s actually not a great beauty? Yeah, no kidding.
There is, however, one very uncomfortable truth that, after light Google-searching and profound soul-searching, we are forced to acknowledge: Young Donald Trump was not that bad-looking. Young Donald Trump could potentially get it. (Assuming we didn’t know about that whole not-renting-to-minorities thing, which is obviously a total boner-killer.)
Fortunately, the callow Donald’s mild youthful appeal faded very quickly, so that’s something we’ll never, ever have to think about or speak of ever again.
Finally, the MEL endorsement. Hillary Clinton is cute. Hillary Clinton has always been cute. Young Hillary Clinton was totally bangin’; 68-year-old Hillary Clinton still looks great. The MEL Editorial Board enthusiastically endorses her elegant bob, her rainbow of pantsuits and her killer smile.
In the era of the reviled-but-hot Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and the beloved-and-also-hot Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, the United States (and the MEL Editorial Board) cannot countenance the notion of having far and away the most busted president in North America, maybe the world. In these troubled times, we need an attractive, stylish leader more than ever.
America stands on a precipice, and we must not tumble over; we must not elect something your cat hacked up after eating its dinner too fast. MEL sincerely urges you to vote for chic grandma Hillary Clinton. Our country’s international hotness standing — as well as our own ability to keep down breakfast while we read the morning paper — is at stake.