Illustration by Dave van Patten

Having a Dominatrix Shove a Baseball Bat Up My Ass Is How I’ve Found True Happiness

Marcelo, the third of our four gluttons for punishment, explains why he loves being completely dominated by women

In this week of excess, we’re covering gluttony in all its forms — from the traditional face-stuffing variety to people who can’t be regarded as anything other than a glutton for punishment. One of the best examples of the latter is Marcelo, a 32-year-old porn actor who enjoys a very literal form of punishment in his work as a submissive in femdom bondage videos, where women have complete control over the scene… and his helpless body. Here, he explains how BDSM helped him get through both college and living with depression.

Pain is the only thing that makes me happy; it’s like an addiction. I suffer from chronic depression, and prescription drugs only help alleviate about 20 percent of that. But nothing makes me happier than pain because those kind of feelings last for hours. It’s very tantric in that way.

I’m not a submissive person by nature. I’m always constantly overthinking everything, and it’s very, very hard for me to relax. I never take vacations at all, and I’m always incredibly tense. When someone is beating me, it’s the only time I can actually relax because I don’t have to think.

I had to build up to taking the fat end of a baseball bat in my ass over several years. Pegging is one of my most specialized categories. I get paid to shoot with really big people in that field. It’s not something I initially did very well, but I believe in improving yourself in order to be more commercial. I enjoy prostate massages — anything up my butt, really — but I couldn’t stretch it out very much, so it some time to work up to something other than a strap-on.

There’s a lot of sacrifice to do a good anal scene. It’s quite a complicated process — I have a light dinner the night before, and I won’t eat again until I reach the end of the scene. I do an enema after dinner and another enema with a lot more water after I wake up. Then just before the scene shoots, I do it again. Sometimes I go 15 hours without eating anything, but when I do something I really enjoy, I’m not hungry at all, even after I finish the scene. Monday night was like that — I had so many people sticking giant cocks and fists in my ass, it was awesome. I think several doms were actually holding hands inside of me. I was completely in a hyper-arousal state.

Crisco is the best lube for fisting. But coconut oil is the best lube to use for anal generally. I like it because it’s easy to carry, perfect for the task at hand and cheap.

What worries me the most is a prolapsed anus from doing anal too much. That’s definitely a risk that anyone who does this kind of work should be aware of. I’m very careful about the material I stick in my ass. For giant things, I don’t like it to be very solid — the baseball bat thing isn’t something I do on a regular basis.

The only rest period I allow myself between shoots is for aesthetic reasons — some companies won’t want to shoot me if I’m covered in bruises. But I’m addicted to this kind of feeling, so I take as much as I’m allowed to. That said, pain isn’t the most important part. The most important part for me is for the woman to be in charge.

I got married to someone who wanted to try BDSM, and it turned out to be something she wasn’t into, so we went through a divorce. After that I basically said, “Fuck it, I’m going to really do what I like.” It turned out that my work was commercial enough that I could get paid for it.

It’s very hard to date people when you do porn. It’s also very hard to date people when you’re kinky. My last relationship ended two years ago, though I haven’t been monogamous since I got divorced.

My favorite kind of cock-and-ball torture is when clothespins are applied to the genital areas. I have a lot of foreskin so usually I can take a lot of those clothespins. When you think of CBT, a lot of people think of ball-busting, which is where a woman kicks or punches a guy in the balls. But that’s only one kind. Another form is urethral sounding, where something goes inside the urethra. It can be very pleasurable but very painful as well, depending how you do it and your preference. Some of them are even electrified!

It’s very hard to make a living doing this. Some months, shooting BDSM videos provides most of my income, but some months it’s about half, or less. I’m also a Lyft driver, and I work as a paralegal for an attorney friend of mine. That’s why I was able to last in the industry for so long: I’m not dependent on the income.

Watching BDSM porn helped me to learn English. I grew up in Brazil, and I found the BDSM lifestyle online when I was 13. But the only information I could find was in Portuguese, my native language, and it was all about guys dominating women — Brazil is still a very sexist country. So I spent quite a bit of time trying to decipher information on female domination, most of which was in English. I picked up the language enough that I was able to get through college in the United States just by being self-taught. But originally I wasn’t trying to learn a damn thing. I was just trying to masturbate!

—As told to Craig MacNeil