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Men Apparently Perceive Women With Hard Nipples as More ‘Altruistic’

Do you guys, uh, know what altruistic means?

As a woman, the key to getting men to do my bidding is to make sure my nips are locked and loaded. I could have already guessed that, but now I’ve got the scientific data to prove it. A recent study published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences found that men perceive women with visible nipple erections as more worthy of altruism, especially if that altruism would involve the man interacting with the woman, and that they expect the woman to be just as altruistic back. To top it all off, men also reported wanting to have these nippley women in their friend groups. 

Can someone please ask these men to define altruism? 

An earlier part of the study, conducted by psychologists at State University of New York at Oswego, had both men and women look at two sets of identical photos of women, some with visibly erect nips and some without. The faces of the women were obscured, so no emotional state could be interpreted from their expressions, though the study notes that all the women were conventionally attractive. In this portion of the experiment, men and women were equally more likely to project “positive” feelings onto the photos of the gals with their high beams on. 

In the latest update, researchers were able to understand more about what those “positive” feelings in men were. Specifically, they were interested in whether the presence of hard nipples would make the men more likely to help the women in a variety of situations, including if they had a flat tire, needed to borrow $100 or wanted private tutoring sessions. Naturally, men were indeed more interested in giving a helping hand if nips were part of the equation and providing assistance required some close physical proximity with them. 

The men further claimed that they felt that the nipple ladies would of course be as altruistic toward them, and that they wanted to be friends with these women. The women in the study who were asked to assess the photos, notably, didn’t want to be friends with these women or help them out with their minor problems. 

So what’s the takeaway here? 

I honestly have no idea, but surely I will be manipulating this information whenever possible. Men, fair warning: If I come up to you titty-guns-a-blazin’ and ask for $100, I will not be providing any favors in return, no matter how altruistic I look.