Back in my casual hookup days, I used to dread when guys would overstay their welcome. Even in my horniest moments, I didn’t want to be stuck lying around with someone I didn’t even know if I liked yet. So it shouldn’t be much of a surprise that the new Lifetime reality series Five Guys a Week is my absolute nightmare.
The premise of the show, which is the American version of its British counterpart and premieres on July 13th, is that five men plucked by producers move into one woman’s home at the same time, and over the course of seven days, compete for her love. It’s like The Bachelorette, but without the lavish dates, and with far less personal space. Throughout the week, the men also meet with the bachelorette’s friends and parents, speeding up her process of finding The One.
There are so many things that horrify me just thinking about this scenario: What happens if she doesn’t like any of the guys and wants them to leave immediately? What if she desperately wants to be alone in her room without some guy knocking trying to get more alone time over the others? How could it possibly not smell terrible with that many guys in one space? And, most importantly, what happens if one of the guys isn’t vetted well, turns out to be a total creep and now has her address?
A sneak peek of the show, which premiered on Entertainment Tonight, confirms that it’s all as painfully awkward as it sounds. In fact, the contestants’ dinner conversation looks like five bad first dates in one. There’s a guy named Andrew who lives in Manhattan and describes himself as “obviously single.” Just the kind of stranger you want living in your home! And there’s a fellow suitor with an awful haircut who tells the camera during a confessional, “I would definitely think Andrew is a virgin.” Very astute observation, my dude.
The chances a bachelorette finds love through this ghastly process are next to zero, unless, maybe, everyone suddenly gets into polyamory. But in reality, the bachelorette will most likely have a bunch of guys inexplicably pacing around her house shirtless for a week (the preview confirms as much).
And, surely much to the producers’ delight, no one appears comfortable in any single clip from the show. But perhaps the people who have it worst are the bachelorette’s parents, who look like they’d rather eat their own shit than have to sit through listening to these “obviously single” men declare their love for their daughter.
Five Guys a Week is a bizarre human experiment I could never imagine voluntarily putting myself through, and luckily I don’t have to. But because this show looks like a messy highlight reel of all the most abhorrent roommate/dating moments I could imagine — but with significantly more push-ups — I’ll probably be watching it anyway.