Article Thumbnail

Everything We Learned About Our Dicks in 2017

We’re honestly shocked at how little we knew about our member just 12 months ago

It’s not our goal per se to publish at least one story on dicks every day, but that’s the way it seems to work out. When it comes to dicks, consider us to be your Library of Alexandria — comprehensive, unparalleled and probably destined to one day be burned to the ground by an angry mob. As part of our year-end retrospective, we looked at everything we learned about dicks in 2017 and pulled out some of our most delectable penis paragraphs.

The Ideal Dick Is the Boyfriend Dick

“A boyfriend dick isn’t a measurement, per se, but a range. Think of it as a dick Overton window: a continuum of acceptability, but in this case, one that varies from person to person.”

There’s a Very Long Cultural History of Men Sucking Their Own Dicks

“Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues reported in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male in 1949 that ‘[a] considerable portion of the population does record attempts at self-fellation, at least in early adolescence.’ But given the presence of the ribcage and a hesitant spine, Kinsey estimated only two or three out of every 1,000 men are able to achieve this feat. Those numbers hold up 50 years later. ‘Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure,’ claims, a health-related internet community.”

The ‘Mormon Dick Soak’ Is Thought By Some to Preserve Virginity

“The first time we ‘soaked’ we were on the floor of my living room, and she just asked me to put it in but not to move it around. We never referred to it as anything in particular — we just did it. I think if I’d given it a name like ‘soaking’ or ‘floating’ she would’ve been pretty upset. It wasn’t premeditated — she just had a strong desire to have sex and was willing to push the boundaries of her virginity as far as her sensibilities would allow.”

Dick Flaps Are Disappearing

“But innovators in the men’s underwear space say that a fly isn’t just unnecessary in the modern age; it’s kinda passé. Instead, a ‘contour pouch’ is more comfortable, and most importantly, provides a more flattering presentation of your member. Reminiscent of Renaissance-era codpieces, pouches remind men of a time when it was considered sexy to cradle your syphilis-laden package in a padded, decorative sack.”

Dick Pics Are Actively Being Reinvented Because They’re Essentially Too One Dimensional

“Size is important, of course. But there is so much more to a dick than size. Like how the skin looks on the dick when it’s fully erect, because it varies greatly from guy to guy. I intentionally didn’t give a description because I want people to use their minds and select the image that most resemble their dick.”

That Said, Some Men Are Paying Women to Critique Good Ol’ Fashion Dick Pics

“Eevie Bellini wasn’t aware of the penis-rating trade until someone solicited her opinion while she was selling panties. ‘[I said], ‘Sure, why not? Let me review this internet stranger’s dick.’ I dabble in creative writing and apparently my first attempt at a cock rating was the best he’s ever had — and he’d had his dick rated many, many other times [by other sellers on r/sexsells]. He declared me a wizard with words and left me a glowing review. Now boys flock to me to have their dicks rated.”

Dicks Can Be Really Smelly

“Rob, a 30-something illustrator from the U.K., wasn’t even taught that his foreskin was supposed to retract — meaning that he never fully pulled it back or, crucially, cleaned under it. At 15, he began to notice a lump and concluded that it had to be cancer, until he realized it was actually moving under his foreskin. This is where, in his words, it gets ‘fairly disgusting.’ What emerged when he guided this lump toward the end of his dick was a ‘plaque of densely packed smegma’ roughly the size of his fingernail.”

This Dick Cheese Isn’t Good For You For Reasons Beyond Smell, Too

“As it turns out, despite the fact that smegma is sterile and completely natural, ‘When it goes wrong, it goes really wrong,’ Brian Steixner, director of men’s health for the Jersey Urology Group explains. That’s because the area under the foreskin is a warm, wet, dark place that can become a petri dish for the bacteria that live on your body. When they get trapped in there, there are a lot of nutrients for them to feed on, and since that just leads to more bacteria, a lot can go bad.”

There’s Science Behind Which Way Your Dick Hangs

“The penis is made solely of spongy tissue, which hardens when blood rushes into it. This tissue is anchored to the pubic bones via a two-sided root, and this is where the asymmetry arises. In most men, one side of the root usually just happens to be slightly longer on the right or left, with the result that the penis hangs down farther on that side — and well, gravity does the rest.”

There’s No Good Time to Tell Your Partner You Have a Small Dick

“‘Men do not know what they are packing, and women do not know what to expect,’ Larry Harris wrote back in 2011, about penis size research that found women thought they preferred a penis size that happens to be bigger than 98 percent of all penises. ‘None of us really have realistic expectations.’”

Pee-Holes in the Wrong Place Barely Scratch the Surface of What Can Go Wrong With Your Dick

“Though you could be considered ‘ambidickstrous,’ diphallia does come with a handful of other downsides, including increased risk of spina bifida and a higher mortality rate due to infections in the more complex renal and colorectal systems.”

Men Have Been Getting Their Dicks Stuck in Things Forever

“Makeshift sex toys are rarely a good idea, as a 50-year-old man discovered after attempting to use a plastic bottle as a homemade masturbatory aid. Having predictably gotten his dick stuck in the aperture, he waited four days to visit a hospital — during which time he’d suffered significant tissue necrosis, leading doctors to amputate.”

Grower vs. Shower’ is a Real Dick Thing

“There are small growers and showers, average growers and showers and large growers and showers. ‘A lot of people wrongly assume if someone is a shower, he has a huge penis,’ says Dr. Alex Shteynshlyuger, a fellowship trained urologist in America. ‘But it just means the penis doesn’t stretch as much as the grower.’”