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Everything the Olympics Taught Us About Sex

Yes to body oil and gymnasts. No to sexiling and public proposals.

Known for its beach bodies and hedonistic Carnivale, Rio de Janeiro has long had a reputation as a sexy place to be. The past two weeks were no exception, when nearly 5,000 athletes from around the world descended to compete in the 2016 Summer Olympics. Alongside the spirit of friendly international competition was a healthy spirit of international coitus—at least, according to the media, who obsessed over each detail, from dating-app usage to body oil to menstrual positivity to sexiling in the Olympic Village.

Here’s what the Olympics taught us about sex.

You can never be too prepared (or have too much Olympic sex).

Even before the Olympics got started, the media was buzzing over the 450,000 condoms Olympic organizers planned to distribute during the 16 days of competition. While the threat of Zika (which can be sexually transmitted) obviously contributed to some of the panic, that’s still three times as many condoms as were distributed in London 2012—approximately 38 condoms per athlete attending the games (enough to fuck more than twice each day of competition).

Trolling gay Olympians will make everyone hate you.

Tinder reported a 129 percent jump in usage during the games and you can bet the media was on it. No story better epitomizes the problems with obsessing over Olympian sexuality than The Daily Beast’s now-deleted one. In search of easy clicks, reporter Nico Hines produced an article based on the outcome of entrapping and casually outing gay male athletes via Grindr, including some from countries where being homosexual isn’t legal. The Daily Beast eventually removed the story after strong backlash and Hines was removed from the games by the IOC.

Tonga is secretly full of hotties

Tonga hasn’t won any medals this Olympics but their male athletes have won the lust and admiration of viewers everywhere. Pita Taufatofau, the oiled flag-bearer who commanded international attention during the opening ceremonies, was also the first man from Tonga to ever qualify for Taekwondo in the Olympics. Meanwhile, openly gay swimmer Amini Fonua made a splash as an advocate for gay Olympians with his anti-Daily Beast tweet storm and turned to Instagram to offer proof that Tonga is the unsung home of the most Olympic hotties.

Horny teammates will sabotage you

Sexiling your roommate is something no one should ever do after graduating from college, especially when your roommate is competing as your partner in synchronized diving the next day. Ingrid Oliveira from Brazil learned this the hard way when, after she kicked out her partner Giovanna Pedroso in order to get it on with a canoeist, the duo placed last in the diving final.

So will your own dick

There’s no sadder way to lose than having your own pole get in the way of a pole vaulting victory. Japanese Olympian Hiroki Ogita learned this the hard way when his junk got caught on the bar he was trying to clear in the first qualifying round of the event.

Male gymnasts want to be stared at

We don’t exactly know why it took them so long to figure this out, but the U.S. Men’s team told reporters that they think the best way to stop being outshined by their female counterparts is to compete without their shirts. It’s going to be hard to compete with adorable powerhouses like Laurie Hernandez and Gabby Douglas, but we encourage them to continue to innovate in this space.

In a sea of abs, not even Zac Efron is a sure thing

Gold medal-winning U.S. gymnast Simone Biles has stolen the hearts of Americans everywhere, including her crush Zac Efron, who flew down to Rio to meet her and gave her a surprise smooch. Biles’ wannabe boyfriend Brazilan gymnast Arthur Mariano took to Twitter to remind Zac Efron he was there first (gross), but we’re guessing Biles is smart enough to not settle for either.

Olympians get periods, too

Fu Yuanhui may have only gotten bronze in the women’s 100m backstroke, but she took the gold for Olympic feminism when she told a reporter that during the 4×100 meter relay she was in menstrual pain. Given the huge stigma against periods in China and the taboo around talking about periods in sports, Fu was definitely the most low-key body-positive athlete of the games.

Public proposals are garbage, especially on the medal podium

Isadora Cerullo, a member of Brazil’s women’s rugby, received a proposal from her girlfriend Majorie Enya, a volunteer stadium manager, after the team failed to make it to the next round. The flurry of engagements that followed ranged from equally heartwarming to obnoxious. The boyfriend of China’s He Zi proposed to her at the podium moments after she received a silver medal in the 3-meter springboard event. Though her fellow Olympian may have thought he was being romantic, he was met with criticism from the internet for upstaging Zi during her big moment. There have been four official engagements so far, but the closing ceremony seems like a good opportunity for a surprise proposal or two.

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