In college, I learned two lessons integral to my adulthood. The first is how to make universally beloved foods that other people — even super picky ones who say they “don’t want a relationship right now” yet magically wind up in one the following month — will think are impressive, no matter how easy the dishes are to make.
The second: My romantic taste instinctively leans almost entirely toward the most emotionally unavailable folks each major metropolitan area has to offer. The latter feeds into the former. Whether I’m trying to please an unappeasable person during our last supper or making dinner with friends to take my mind off it all, it is nice to have some goddamn stuffed-crust pizza.
1 package pre-made pizza dough (who has time to DIY their own pizza dough when crying is a much more optimal use of time?)
1 cup tomato sauce
2 cups mozzarella cheese, shredded
4–5 string cheese sticks
1 ripe avocado, diced (I am a dumb clichéd hipster and need you to be, too)
5 fresh tears
A dash of self-fulfilling prophecies
A sprinkle of unrealistic expectations
Not as big as you’ve convinced yourself it will be, though it will be delicious for the time being.
1. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees, because you might as well torment yourself with a too-hot kitchen so you can feel like you’re both physically and emotionally in hell.
2. Brush a pan with olive oil, then place the pizza dough on it. Flatten out the dough with your fingers. (This is where I would say “just like they flattened out your heart,” but that would be mockable levels of cliché… and also probably too optimistic a description for post-soft-boy pain.) Make the outer inch a little thinner than the rest.
3. Place the string cheese sticks along the border, then roll it inside the pizza crust. Yes, it’s processed and artificial and probably full of hormones, but it will make the most delicious stuffed crust ever even if it kills you. This is probably a metaphor for something.
4. Season the tomato sauce with a dash of self-fulfilling prophecies to taste, then pour the tomato sauce into the center of the pizza, then spread it out in circular motions using the bottom of a metal ladle. Make a heart in the sauce — it’s both creepy and cute.
5. Spread the mozzarella all over the pizza. Now add more. Keep adding cheese until you feel whole, then add a sprinkle of unrealistic expectations to ensure this hurts infinitely worse later on.
6. Brush the crust with a little olive oil and shower the pizza with tears.
7. Transfer the pizza from the pan to a pizza stone and pop it into the oven for 10–15 minutes. Spend that entire time thinking about what could’ve been.
8. Put oven mitts on your hands — just because you got burned doesn’t mean you need to burn yourself, babe! — and remove the pizza from the oven. Let it cool for five or so minutes. Stop thinking about what you should’ve said and instead think about what is about to be in your mouth. You are smart, you made a beautiful pizza, you deserve a treat. Now subtweet the shit out of him.
9. Top the pizza with avocado. I know it sounds pretentious and/or basic but just trust me on this one.
10. Use pizza shears to cut your pie into six slices, and then don’t offer any to anyone else, especially not the person who just threw a Molotov cocktail on your heart. Listen, they don’t love you back anyway — who cares if you eat all six?