Illustration by Dave van Patten

Don’t Be That Guy…When You Drive

Dudes gotta dude, but must you dude like this… on the road?

When it comes to how dudes wield their dude power, this week brought an embarrassment of riches, but mostly just embarrassment. To wit:

Hot Air

The way to make a car go faster is, at this point, well understood: A foot hitting a pedal. But an unidentified dude driver in the Australian Outback with a preference for alternative facts didn’t care to admit his own accountability when he was pulled over going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit. He told Three Spring police the reason he was speeding because was “the wind was pushing me,” which they gleefully mocked on Twitter.

The wind beneath his wings cost $200.

Audiots

Studies have confirmed that people who drive luxury cars are jerks, but the drivers themselves confirm it out in the world every day. An Audi driver decided to join their ranks when he blocked a private driveway in Birmingham, England. When the owner of the space returned home, she parked her car directly behind his, blocking him in for about two hours. She waited around for a knock on the door and an apology, but when they didn’t materialize, she made her way back outside to find the driver, now with a friend, bouncing the car to try to shove it out of the way. Rather than apologize, the driver was enraged at having been blocked in. They argued, she moved, and he split, but not before the world learned of his idiocy via video of the incident.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8aQbce65Ug

Tall Tale

The whole point of a convertible is to feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, but you’re supposed to do so in a responsible fashion, not resort to circus-style moves. Adam Elliott, 26, of Newcastle, got a little carried away when he stood up while driving across the Tyne Bridge in a Ford Ka convertible, the Metro UK reported. The officer said his head was visibly sticking out of the car, and Elliott pleaded guilty to the charge. Seems simple enough, but in court, he suddenly changed his story: He wasn’t doing anything silly; his head simply sticks that far out of the car because he’s 6-foot-7.

“I was not stood up, I am just tall,” Elliott told Judge Robert Adams. “I pleaded guilty to this because I was advised to, but I still insist I was not standing up. It’s just because of my height. I’m an excellent driver but I was advised to plead guilty to get it over with.” Judge Adams wasn’t having it, telling Elliott, “It was pretty obvious you were showing off, demonstrating your height to people in an open top small car. You were clearly distracting other drivers. It was a dangerous thing to do.”

Sentencing was adjourned, but in the meantime, Elliott has taken his proof public, showing himself sitting bolt upright in the car to demonstrate his height challenge. In his defense: He does look tall, and as a car dealer, he claims he was delivering the car to its buyer, meaning it wasn’t his car anyway. Not in his defense: He has 12 other driving convictions on his record, and he’s a car salesman — i.e., part of an industry whose reputation for honesty is a notch above Herbalife shill.

Get it together, dudes.