Illustration by Dave van Patten

Don’t Be That Guy… Behind the Wheel

Dudes gonna dude, but must you dude like this… in your car?

Men, we get it. You’re very busy and you need sex. But this week, you tried to get things done and get your needs met in ways that were arguably idiotic, often illegal and also very rude. We urge you to think about what you’ve done, and feel very ashamed.

We Brake for Idiots

People who are really busy all the time seem really important, but we’ve since learned from science that going on and on about how busy you are is actually a new status symbol on par with conspicuous consumption as humblebrag that you “matter.” That probably makes this as-yet-unidentified man in England a complete narcissist, because he was apparently so busy one day that when he couldn’t find a parking spot, he moved an ambulance that was occupying the spot he needed, even though paramedics were treating a woman with life-threatening emergencies in the back.

No report on what was so urgent (reupping his Viagra script?) but he gets bonus points for figuring out how to get in and out and not get caught — he apparently jumped into the ambulance and released its handbrake to roll it back, then jumped back in his car and maneuvered himself into the spot. It’s not clear if he just let it roll down the hill while paramedics and a really sick woman flailed about inside, or expertly guided it to safety to clear the space (the latter is only marginally more forgivable). What we do know is police are looking for a 50-year-old white guy, 5-foot-10, driving a red Mini Cooper and hopefully looking very embarrassed.

Uber Desperate

Uber drivers, who are roughly two-thirds men, are not treated so well by the company, which ever since its launch has faced an onslaught of lawsuits from employees (technically contractors) over shitty pay and shady practices. But many passengers have just as much to complain about. Uber drivers have groped, harassed and sometimes even physically attacked their passengers. Some of them have also resorted to stealing.

For every great Uber driver who is willing to go out of their way to return a purse left behind, there’s another who will just rifle through your said purse, steal some shit and go buy something with your credit card. One such driver was David J. Walker of New Haven, who was recently arrested for taking the purse a passenger left in the car and stealing her credit card. Within a half-hour, Walker had purchased $45 in gas and managed to snag $519 worth of Viagra. At $10 a pill, that means he probably picked up a 50-pack, which means he will now pay $5,000 bond in exchange for up to 50 sex times. Worth it? I mean…

Blow Me

This one requires several bits of advice, told slowly, as if speaking to a dog. First: If you’re a cab driver or Uber driver (see above) or the driver of any vehicle whose job it is to transport a person safely and professionally to another location, you probably shouldn’t ask them if they want to give you a blowjob. Yet, that’s precisely what this cab driver in London allegedly did when he picked up a 19-year-old beauty therapist at 3 a.m. He asked her about her night, and her job, and other things seemingly perfectly acceptable, and then it got very not-cool when he “then continued to ask her if she did private massages before making a hand gesture, suggesting she perform a sex act.”

Second, if you’re going to ask strangers to perform sex acts on you, try doing so in a broad daylight in very public, open environments where fleeing easily is on the table. Yes, every woman on earth has probably been propositioned so often from age 12 onward that such requests are, when not truly threatening, laughed off. But she wasn’t into it, and so she asked him to drop her off, paid her fare through the opening hatch in the cab, and then tried to get out. That’s when she realized the doors were locked. Question: How can it be acceptable for a passenger to be at the mercy of the driver to unlock the back door in a cab? Let’s fix that!

Third, really think through offering compensation for the job. It’s unclear whether it’s more or less insulting that he offered her 50 pounds. Minus the 8 pounds in cab fare she’d already paid, that would only net her 42 pounds to give a complete stranger who, let’s be honest, we know is gross, after what was probably already a very long night, a very intimate gift. It’s definitely insulting that the driver referred to her payout as “easy cash.” Speak for yourself, non-blowjob-giver! Hard to believe many women otherwise employed, even the more opportunistic among us, would find that to be a solid bargain. Better luck next time, asshole.