Illustration by Dave van Patten

Don’t Be That Guy

Dudes gonna dude and everything, but do you have to dude like this?

Men: Great when it comes to inventing sewer systems and paved roads, not always so great when it comes to not acting entitled or gross, nor correctly navigating the confusing highways and byways of the human heart. Here we call out dudes who, for whatever reason, have chosen to demonstrate behavior that goes beyond the pale for anyone, but with their own dudely twist.

DUI or Don’t

When 43-year-old bank vice president Joseph Talbot was arrested for drunk driving in New York recently, he soon discovered that what happens in jail definitely doesn’t stay there, especially if you act like a total jerkwad. After Talbot refused to be photographed or fingerprinted or to take a breathalyzer — then called the trooper who arrested him an asshole and explicitly stated he didn’t want his picture in the paper — his local weekly, circulation 12,000, got hold of and ran the story of his arrest, accompanied by, you guessed it, his mugshot. Wonder who tipped them off?

While Talbot’s shame was understandable, his reaction wasn’t the wisest: He went around trying to snatch up copies of the paper in the hopes that it would prevent some of his friends and neighbors from learning of his drunken detour, the New York Post reported. Talbot managed to purchase about 900 copies — at $1.25 apiece — thereby all but guaranteeing his story would appear online, not to mention get picked up by news outlets all over.

iPhone 6-Plus Bullshit

It’s great to have lots of consensual sex; not so great to fuck it all up by recording that sex without your partner’s consent…. Six times. With twelve different women. One of whom was only 17 — old enough to consent to sex in New Jersey, but still under 18 and therefore covered by child pornography laws that prevent the videotaping of minors.

But that’s exactly what 29-year-old New Jersey resident Philip Johnson did. He then downloaded the videos to his computer, perhaps to review his work like a star athlete watching an old game to improve strategy. That was his fatal error, because when one of the women found the images on his computer, she handed his hard drive over to police.

Johnson eventually admitted the women had at least some reasonable expectation of privacy, and that he should have asked their consent to star in his own stash of amateur porn. But somehow Johnson only faces probation and up to 364 days in jail at his upcoming Feb. 24 sentencing. Joke’s on us, I guess.

The Incredible Sulk

Though it’s unclear whether men or women are more prone to resort to the ol’ silent treatment, there’s no debate that being on the receiving end of it is about as much fun as spending an afternoon getting a root canal. Now imagine a root canal that lasts for 20 years straight. That certainly sounds like the case in Japan when husband Otou Yumi got upset and decided to just stop talking. For two decades, the Daily Mail reported, aptly dubbing him the “incredible sulk.”

But he’s a man, not a monk, so he wasn’t able to remain completely silent — wife Yumi maintained her part as a human wife and kept trying to have conversations with him, but was treated only to the occasional nod and grunt over those two harrowing decades. I’m sure he still kept the farts coming, though perhaps he kept them silent but deadly. Since he wasn’t talking, he never actually told his wife why he was pissed beyond words.

The reign of silent terror didn’t end until he was threatened with public exposure. Their second-oldest son (of four total children they conceived and raised, ostensibly in silence, which means EVEN THE SEX WAS SILENT), wrote in to a TV show to ask for help. The show arranged a meeting for the two parents at the park where they had their first date, as their children watched emotionally from the sidelines. Being reminded of having once loved this woman enough to silently breed and cohabitate with her melted Yumi’s gargoyle stone heart, and eventually he spoke.

“Somehow it’s been a while since we talked,” he said, proving that inside the silent man also lived a budding comedian. “You were so concerned about the kids!” he added. “Up until now, you have endured a lot of hardship,” he said, finally acknowledging maybe things had kinda sucked for her too all these years. “I want you to know I’m grateful for everything.” Perhaps they then went home to silently hump through the best make-up sex of their lives, but here’s hoping his wife leaves him for a mime.