Coronavirus Is Coming, and We’re All Horny for Quarantine

The news about the rapidly spreading coronavirus, COVID-19, is confusing. It’s also rather scary. And wherever bafflement and fear collide, you will always have lots of horniness.

Now, a fair deal of this is the constant, ambient, garden-variety thirst you see online from day to day. People want to keep their social media accounts active and engaging, and naming the celebrities you’d most like to step on your neck is a proven way of doing so. All one needs to do is replace “Adam Driver” with “coronavirus” and voilà, there’s a topical (yet lustful) post. We also have a well-established web tradition of apocalyptic horniness, closely tied to depression memes. Any sudden, existential threat — say, a giant asteroid hurtling toward Earth — is welcomed by those aroused in the face of oblivion. A global epidemic? That surely qualifies.

Still, the coronavirus threat is different from other cataclysms in one respect: the quarantine.

Yes, it would appear that the potential for mass quarantines — already a reality in some regions affected by the virus — is raising the question of exactly how best to pass the time cooped up in your apartment. Or on a boat.

Consider the case of Rachel Torres and her husband, Tyler Torres, two medical professionals who were among the travelers quarantined in Japan on the Diamond Princess, a cruise ship, when someone aboard tested positive for the potentially fatal respiratory disease. (As of this writing, six passengers have died.) Rachel and Tyler didn’t just book the unluckiest possible voyage; they were taking a belated honeymoon. For weeks, they weren’t allowed out of their 400-square-foot room. What do you imagine they got up to? In a piece for the Dallas Morning News, Rachel described “long days of boredom,” and I think we all know what that means. Of the Valentine’s Day they spent detained together, she wrote, “we finally opened the bottle of wine we had saved all trip, dressed up and celebrated in style. The food was great, the wine was great and Princess even brought us a rose and chocolates. We went to sleep feeling full, happy, and ready for quarantine to conclude in five days.”

Heh, nice.

Pornhub, as always, has their own slightly less romantic angle on the catastrophe: videos of people fucking with protective face masks on. The timely clips have search-optimized titles including “Treating coronavirus 2019-nCoV Wuhan creampie porno,” “Hot chinese girl likes to suck coronavirus out of him,” “Coronavirus patients fuck in quarantine room” and “COVID-19 CORONAVIRUS: HORNY SLUT HAS TO USE PROTECTION DURING OUTBREAK!” Unfortunately, in addition to propagating any number of xenophobic ideas about the illness, this genre of porn contributes to the misconception that limiting facial exposure is more important than regularly and thoroughly washing your hands; in fact, it’s the opposite way around. Besides, I can assure you that nothing all that hygienic is happening here, masks or not.

By the way, another porn site (CamSoda) offered quarantined folks free masturbation material:

Yes, if you’re not coupled up or busy shooting coronavirus porn yourself, you may be spending your stretch in quarantine getting to know your own genitalia better. See how many times you can masturbate in a 24-hour period — then try to break that record. But maybe, after you’re good and chapped, you’ll figure out an artful way to express the combination of sexual drive and sickly melancholia. May I suggest fan fiction? For inspiration, check out the disjointed story of a Korean cat named Jibanyan who contracts coronavirus from a friend, Alohanyan, who had previously caught it from “his big tiddie bf.” By the end (spoilers), Jibanyan has landed in a hospital bed where, we learn, he “jerked a quick one under the blanket and then fucking died.”

For those who prefer happier endings, and a touch of tenderness, there’s this “Johnlock” tale — the term refers to gay or “slash” fic of the characters Sherlock Holmes and his companion, John Watson. Here, Sherlock gets sick, presumably from coronavirus, and needs Watson to care for him. Eventually, it’s revealed that the great detective was merely faking for the attention, and he takes this opportunity to kiss his comrade passionately. “Only took the fear of an epidemic to get me to do it,” Holmes reflects. Watson kisses him back. “Coronavirus couldn’t hurt them.” Fin.

When you’ve tried everything else, however, there’s just one option left: getting horny for the coronavirus itself. This can be accomplished with artistic renderings of “Corona-Chan,” the virus as a sexy, female, waifu-type character that first emerged on 4chan. Yeah, for real. Take a look:

Think that’s perverse? Wait until we’re all on lockdown and cabin fever truly sets in. So far, we’ve seen but a glimpse of what contagion plus the desire to fuck does to the human brain. Stay safe out there, everybody, and remember: We can see what you post on main.

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Miles Klee

Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’