Photo by Dicko Chan

Cannabis-Infused Lotion, Reviewed

Best when used for an intoxicating massage

As a major anxiety sufferer and California resident, I’ve had a prescription for medical marijuana since 2006. In the decade since, I have tried — and made — all sorts of crazy cannabis products, but these days every time I go to the dispensary I see some new thing that you can eat or drink or rub on your body. As a public service, I decided to test out some of the more intriguing options to see whether they live up to the hype.

I’m getting high for you, folks, and don’t you forget it.

So what happened this week, when I got a full body massage with some cannabis infused lotion? Did I take one of the best naps I’ve ever had, or did I simply float away on a peppermint honey cloud of tactile decadence, never to return? Let’s find out.

Product

Honey Pot Bear Butter Balanced Cannabis Infused Body Lotion

Ingredients

Water, Cannabis Infused Coconut Oil, Sunflower Seed Oil, CA Wildflower Honey, Cocoa Butter, Ceterayl Alcohol, Coco-Glucoside, Shea Butter, Vitamin E, Peppermint Oil, Eucalyptus Oil, Lavender Oil, Xanthan Gum, Apricot Kernel Oil, Phenoxyethanol, Aloe Vera Leaf Juice Powder, Citric Acid, Lactic Acid, Benzoic Acid, Dehydroacetic Acid.

Purchased From

Exhale Med Center in West Hollywood, CA

Suggested Dosage

Topical weed products don’t get you high in the usual sense; they work because the cannabinoids bind to receptors in the skin and never enter the bloodstream, giving an immediate physical effect with no uncertain creeping stoniness. Since this isn’t an edible (the label clearly tells you “do not eat”), there’s really no suggested dosage because, being non-psychoactive, there’s no way to overdo it. But each 2-fluid-ounce bottle contains upwards of 25mg THC and 25mg CBD.

Actual Dosage

I used about two thirds of the bottle during my massage.

The Scent

Normally I review the flavor, but for this non-edible product I’m focusing on the scent (you definitely, don’t want to eat this stuff because, you know, it’s lotion. And if you’re looking for something to eat and get you high, may I direct you to literally any of my other columns?) Anyway, when I first opened the bottle I was a little disappointed because it smelled like lavender, a scent which I don’t hate but which is pretty much the basic bitch of aromatherapy. But when I actually started rubbing it into my skin, the scent more peppermint with a hint of honey and lavender — a variation on a flavor now found at pretty much every artisanal ice cream shop. Anyway, it was relaxing and quite delightful.

The Experience

So one of the guys I’ve been seeing is really into giving massages which, I know, is totally awful and a huge pain in the ass for me except not at all. He’s really fucking good at it, and was definitely game to help participate in this little experiment.

I work from home, often from bed, and so my back can get sore in weird places when it’s too hot and I don’t get outside enough to stretch and exercise. The guy, absolute doll that he is, brought over In-N-Out and we ate burgers and then settled down to watch Last Week Tonight while he rubbed the lotion all over my body. Apparently I carry a lot of tension in the center of my upper back? The massage lasted a whole episode, so about half an hour, and was for sure the most relaxed I’ve ever felt while hearing about Donald Trump. Afterwards I took a short but extremely satisfying nap and woke up feeling refreshed and, surprisingly, totally with it.

I made sure to not take in any other intoxicating substances before or after using the lotion in order to fully evaluate the product’s ability to get your brain high as well as your body. I definitely didn’t get stoned or anything, but whether it was the massage or the pot I did feel those mellowing effects that I always get from CBD and spent the rest of the afternoon blissed out af. Plus my whole room smelled amazing which definitely didn’t hurt at all.

Conclusion

Five out of six pot leaves for this particular lotion. The ability of the weed to soothe my muscles was really quite impressive; usually I get stiff after an afternoon of writing from bed but even 24 hours later my body still felt loose and lovely. Docked it a point for stickiness, however, because while the honey is a nice idea — and maybe it was the aloe vera or maybe we just used too much lotion, I don’t know — the skin on my back was weirdly tacky until I took a shower the next day. But overall, this product was everything I could have asked for from a topical weed treatment, and I’m stoked to have a little left in the bottle to rub on my feet after the next time I go out dancing.