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Avocados Are No Good

They are out to get you in no fewer than four ways, maybe more

Most things that are out to get you aren’t as obvious as say, bears. Rather, they use subterfuge and sleight of hand to distract you from the real issues so they can accomplish their goal of destruction. A pretty good example of this is the avocado. But proof that the avocado tables are turning (into green gooey mush) comes via news reports that avocado fears are at an all-time high.

It wasn’t always this way. For a long time, you couldn’t throw a dart without soft-piercing some avocado boosterism. They’re among the healthiest foods on the planet, everyone said. They are a fruit — actually, a berry! — containing “good” fat and valuable protein. Eating them lowers cholesterol and blood pressure, prevents cancer, makes your skin beautiful, fights diabetes, clears up constipation and aids weight loss.

But underneath the seductive exterior of this “butter fruit” is a secret agenda to hurt you and your loved ones, drain your bank account, derail social justice efforts and fund political mayhem. Now, the jig is up.

First, avocado hand injuries are on the rise because everyone wants to eat avocados but nobody knows how to cut them. “People do not anticipate that the avocados they buy can be very ripe and there is minimal understanding of how to handle them,” said Simon Eccles, a plastic surgeon, CBS News reported.

The problem is, the article explains, that avocados are perfectly sized for cupping, which makes you think you can hold them in your hand when you cut them, which is part of the avocado’s strategy.

“It’s the peculiar nature of the fruit,” Sheel Sharma, a clinical associate professor at NYU Langone Medical Center, told CBS News. “It has a hard shell then soft fruit then again a hard pit. So you get this false sense that it should be sturdy to cut through. So you cut the skin, then the knife slices through the flesh and the next thing is your hand.”

All avocado injuries are identical. This exact thing happened to me recently when, eager to ingest an avocado atop my breakfast, I cupped it in my hand and intended to tap the nut in the center with a knife to remove it, just lodging the knife into the nut enough to pry it out and toss it. Unbeknownst to me, the avocado was overripe and the nut was soft, so one soft tap sent the knife plunging into my hand and slicing through my finger.

Later at the ER, the admitting doctors laughed and joked about the injury while casually snipping away the exposed tissue poking out of my finger to stitch me up. “We see this all the time,” they said. “So, was there blood all over your breakfast?”

Check out this lady. Same hand, same finger.

Second, avocados have become dangerously expensive. They are currently priced at an all-time high. Also, some rich millionaire guy in Australia caught on to the avocado game when he told 60 Minutes that if young people weren’t so busy “buying smashed avocado for $19 and four coffees at $4 each” they could probably buy a home. This happened to me, too. I once bought avocado toast in Venice, Calif., for $14. I’m currently a renter.

Third, avocados distract from the real issues, lulling their fans into a complacency that sits on their conscience like a creamy green fog. For instance, avocados prevent white people from addressing racism:

They’re also ruining the environment at an ever-increasing rate. But you don’t care about the environment, do you? No, you only care about getting another hit of that sweet, sweet guac.

Fourth, avocados are the currency of the enemy. If Trump taxes Mexican imports to build the wall along Mexico as he promised, it means we’ll literally pay for that real estate in guacamole.

But the avocado’s long history of lulling us into a false sense of security is coming to an end. The only thing left to do is meet the avocado on its turf, cupped in our hands, ready to wage war.