Article Thumbnail

Ass-Eating Patriot Tom Brady Just Gave Basic Bros Permission to Slurp Booty

Close your eyes and think of New England

The NFL offseason is a chance for New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to chill in his mansion, ruminate on this year’s Super Bowl loss to the Philadelphia Eagles and get his face wedged between his supermodel wife’s butt cheeks. When Barstool Sports (a blog network for “pasty-white, baseball-cap-wearing Chads” owned by a whiny misogynist cuck) posted some #content about eating ass on its Instagram account, Brady jumped into the comments with a trio of laugh-crying emojis and a knowing “yep.”

Reactions were divided. “Tom Brady Eats Ass! See the Proof!” Perez Hilton crowed. “Tom Brady Commented on a Meme About Eating Ass and I’m Done,” BuzzFeed sighed. I, too, was on the point of declaring analingus over as a viral sex joke/trend — we here MEL recognize the America of 2018 as a post-ass-eating culture anyway — but then I realized something: It’s good that Brady has given the basic, Bud Light–swilling bros of this nation the green light to start rimming. The act of feasting on booty was, of course, pioneered by the gays, then stolen by heterosexuals, and now it has infiltrated the most tragically straight demographic there is: football fans. Brady may play for an evil empire and buddy up to the worst, dumbest man alive, but he does his duty and slurps booty.

This comes as a special relief seeing as Brady has previously admitted to neglecting his family in the interest of retaining athletic superstardom — and is constantly squeezing Gisele Bündchen’s derriere when the couple is out in public. The idea of that grabass being a performative show and Gisele’s actual ass going unattended to would have been too much to bear. Yeah, it’s the same mouth Brady uses to lingeringly kiss both his son and his dad on the lips, but I’m sure he washes it off with Gatorade when he can. Don’t worry about it.

Now dudes afraid to treat their long-suffering girlfriends to south-of-the-border motorboating can take the plunge in peace, telling themselves, “Well, the G.O.A.T. does it,” instead of “No homo.” So pull down those panties, close your eyes and think of New England.