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An Elegy for Weed Gummies

First it happened in Colorado. Now it’s happening in California. In anticipation of California’s recreational marijuana policy going into effect in January, some California legislators are determined to safeguard children from the increasingly visible industry by banning the most beloved edible there is, the gummy. Sure, the pot brownie is classic, but the weed gummy is the most efficient (and tasty) gift this millennium’s consumer-facing weed industry has given us.

According to the L.A. Times, the edible bill is expected to be finalized by the governor sometime today. This will effectively ban the production of marijuana edibles in the shapes of people, animals, insects and fruit. (Okay, but who the fuck eats edibles shaped like people or insects?) The only weed gummy that’s seemingly safe from the bill are gummy belts — though maybe not for long since they look a lot like a Fruit By the Foot/Sour Punch Straw hybrid that kids would probably love.

The author of the policy, Democratic Assemblyman Rudy Salas, contends the bill will protect those children.

From getting high.

I get the intention here. It’s easy to imagine your kid finding your naughty drawer and gravitating toward its only bright fruit snacks. But children are pretty into mints, lollipops and chocolate, too.

Weed gummies took sometime around puberty for me, so I was never tempted or confused by them as a child, but I definitely partook as soon as my friends turned 18 and got med cards, during that delicious summer between high school and college.

Now, though, it’s time to say goodbye to my favorite delicate treats — the most satisfying snacks I’ve ever snuck through TSA. So here it is. My farewell to weed gummies:

Miniature watermelons? Yum.
A peach slice? Yippee!
Sour little pineapples? Perfect for me!
I love gummies with THC.

I love the confections from my favorite collective.
I love these confections with my favorite directive:
Lifting, ascending, floating, getting high.
In my stash box, I’ve long kept a hearty supply.

I nibbled on you everywhere,
Inside the movie theater as the previews rolled
And at the professional development training after work
Right in front of the lifeguard at the beach
And in the backseat of the rideshare service of my choice.

You always promised the perfect dose.
For that you were even more dependable than your traditional toke.
Whether your milligrams were five, ten or even 15,
Your potency was easier to control than basic green.

With you, little bear, I always happily swallowed.
Now I’m preparing for life without you and my heart is hollowed.

But it’s time to part.
California law says so.
And my chemistry skills suck so I can’t make you at home.

Bye, bye little bear.
You were so much fun to ingest
An infinite haze of leisure and rest.

Bye, bye little bear.
You sure knew how to play it cool.
You were never too heavy, too dank or loud,
And while your run was short, babe, I’m still proud.